The Spellbound Cenobites
by L.J-1983
Summary: OOC Parody Fic. Pinhead is an over-sensitive crybaby, Nikoletta is obsessed with nursery rhymes, Butterball is surely wasting away, Angelique is an OTT feminist, Chatterer is a fierce overprotective lover to Nikoletta...and everyone else around them suffers. It's down to Channard to discover the reason behind their change in character and find a way to reverse the curse.
1. What the Hell!

**The Spellbound Cenobites**

 _Full Summary_ : _Something odd is going on with the five main members of the Gash; Pinhead has become an over sensitive cry baby who's sensitive about everything, Nikoletta has become obsessed with nursery rhymes, Chatterer is a thousand times over protective of his consort - who happens to be Nikoletta, Butterball refuses to eat and has lost FAR too much weight, and Angelique has ditched her lustful ways and become a over bearing female rights activist/feminist. Channard, their once killer, is the rather unfortunate one who must discover the cause of their rather odd personality changes as well as trying to come up with a viable cure, and cope with the over bearing, ravishingly horny Pinhead's girlfriend Kirsty Cotton - and Pistonhead and Dreamer's shenanigans. How will he cope? Will he be able to cure them, or will he be checking himself into his own mental ward?_

 _Author Introduction_ _: Okay, this is an oldie I wrote some years ago and took down, but I figured_ _I'd re-post this insane parody for sentiment's sake. XD People did enjoy this story first time around, and I am not sure why I deleted it, but here it is again. Just to cheer myself up, if I'm being honest. Now, I must point out that this is a major crack fic where it's nothing like the films, and set in a universe where Hellraiser is a movie and the characters know it - basically it's self-aware, so I would very much like to warn those who are not into these type of fics to not read. If you take offence by the absurd amount of crybaby Pinhead, well it's your own bloody fault. You shouldn't have tuned in. :P Those who do enjoy crack/parody stories, I'm sure will love this. LOL. This is completely corny, wacky has sexual reference and cuss words, Pinhead acting like a child, need I go one? Anyway, hope you enjoy. ~ Laura_

* * *

Chapter One

What The Hell!

The best thing about Cenobites, especially Xipe Totec - the one known commonly as Pinhead, and his Gash, is that they can keep a clear head, remain patient and logical at all times, never lose themselves in the moment, they're serious and they never show weakness to their enemies. Well, you'd think that, but ever since one fateful day when Pinhead and his crew made the dreadful mistake in attempting to reap the soul of a witch who was studying the LeMerchand's box, they have not been right since.

It had happened just a month before. Pinhead, Nikoletta - the open-throat Female Cenobite who went by her human name, Butterball, Chatterer and the voluptuous Princess Angelique had gone to Earth as usual - to reap the soul of a young and rather innocent looking woman who turned out, to the Cenobite's ultimate fear, to be a witch.

All it took was one simple spell that the witch had uttered, which went something along the lines of this - **_"Hocus pocus - abracadabra - shaka laka hi shaka laka laka - bird is the word - POOF!"_** \- and the Cenobites had instantly reverted to the shadows of their former selves. But neither one could remember this, and never spoke of it.

And so, for the past month, the five most influential Cenobites lumbered around the Labyrinth - acting so not themselves and causing a heck of a lot of problems; especially Pinhead who now cried over the least thing, was sensitive about his looks, was very child-like and was now a laughing stock to all the human prisoners, including Frank and Trevor.

No one was scared of the once fierce Prince of Pain and now took advantage of the situation since Pinny was not in control so thus meant the Labyrinth was rife with the sinned and the damned running amok and causing riots. Frank and Trevor were, at this specific moment, scrawling rather offensive and lewd graffiti about Kirsty Cotton, the love of Pinhead's life and enemy to the two, across the stone walls...and also Pinhead's chamber doors which now read, **_EMOS 'R' US_** in big bold capitals all over it, followed by a rather inaccurate and obscene drawing of our pin headed friend doing... unmentionable things.

Double especially for Angelique who now had a new found respect for her own femininity, and so ditched her previously slutty and lustful ways and looks to stand up for the rights of her fellow females. In other words...she had become a demonic feminist! Long gone were the days when she couldn't even take one look at Xipe without wanting to leap on him, rip his leather uniform off and rape him! Which, considering his present state, was a good thing for him.

She was pitching up a protest just beneath Leviathan right this moment - dressed up in respectable clothes, and was followed by a hoard of angry and huffy Cenobitic women who wanted the same rights and privileges as the males. Leviathan grumbled as the group of screeching women walked around Him in circles with giant protest signs, led by an over dressed Angelique who bellowed at the top of her lungs...

"WHAT DO WE WANT!?"

The group followed on with the response; "EQUALITY FOR ALL...AND LESS PERVERSENESS!"

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!"

"NOW!"

Butterball meanwhile was skulking about in a corner somewhere; his once hugely bulging and flabby body reduced to mere skin and bones. His extra large leather vestments hung off the ever shrinking Cenobite as he gleefully set fire to every edible, and near edible that our obese friend would have enjoyed at one time if he was desperately hungry, thing that occupied his chambers. Oh, and he had practically signed up for every single weight loss/exercise programme the Labyrinth could offer. It should be said that to witness Butterball doing aerobics with a bunch of women is enough to make you want to kill yourself. Not a pretty sight it is.

But right now this minute, he was happily burning all the doughnuts and every other calorie filled good stuff and screaming evilly; "DIE YOU EVIL CALORIES AND CORN SYRUP!"

The only ones not to cause too much of a disturbance to the Labyrinth, or near about, was that of Nikoletta, the Female Cenobite, who had for some reason become completely obsessed with reading children's nursery rhymes since the spell, and Chatterer. Both were at this moment snuggled up and holding hands whilst reading, the two having found love so long before the witch ever touched them, just so you know. Chatterer kept his beloved Niki safe, and very fiercely protective he was over her too, (he would only protect her now, and everyone was suffering beatings if they so much as looked at her; HELL even _Leviathan_ got a beating! So yes, Chatty was causing a lot of problems with his issue and slacking off his job to look after Niki) while she happily read her nursery rhyme book. Pinhead sat nearby, eagerly listening on.

"Humpty dumpty sat on the wall..." Nikoletta read suspense-fully while Pinhead watched on in dewy eyed amazement.

"Yes, go on...I want to know what happens!" Pinhead beamed, clapping his hands excitedly.

"Humpty dumpty had a great fall..."

It was that moment Pinhead's face dropped, and his eyes fill with dread and sorrow. "What? Fall? What...you mean... he's fallen off the wall? Oh my Leviathan! He's going to be critically hurt! Oh please be fine, Humpty Dumpty!" our pinned friend practically cried.

Nikoletta sighed and carried on. "All the king's horses and all the king's men..."

Pinhead's eyes widened with a glimmer of hope and he smiled in suspense. "Yes? Could they help our humble shelled friend?"

Nikoletta continued, taking her forefinger and wagging it slowly back and forth. "...couldn't put Humpty together again!"

"WHAT?!" Pinhead screamed in a high pitched girly voice, his face full of shock and pain on behalf of the accident-prone giant egg character in the story. There was also disbelief present as well. "NO! NO! NO! He can't be..." Pinhead went on, his voice filled with panic and slamming his hand down on the floor. "I refuse to believe Humpty could be easily killed off!"

He snatched the book from Nikoletta's hands, who narrowed her eyes at him and screeched, "HEY! THAT'S MINE! GET YOUR OWN!" while Pinhead observed the illustrations for the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme. His eyes overfilled with tears, his bottom lip quivered and he shook his head furiously when there, just before his eyes, was the evidence of the poor egg character's ill timed demise - with all the king's horses and all the king's men surrounding the broken shell remains of the jovial giant, all staring to it mournfully.

The book suddenly fell out of Pinhead's hands, and he covered his mouth at once. Tears fall from his eyes as he randomly screamed; "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" at the top of his lungs and then scurried off to cry some place else - his chambers to be precise. Only, he cried even harder when he sees the obscene drawing and writing across his door.

"FRANK AND TREVOR ARE SO MEAN! WHY DO THEY HAVE TO CALL ME NAMES!?" Pinhead bawled before throwing himself onto his bed and disappearing under the covers to sob in peace.

* * *

Elsewhere, the giant floating diamond deity known as Leviathan observed the madness within His Labyrinth with disgust. If He truly had a hand, then He would probably be face-palming right this moment. Instead, the whole realm that surrounded Him began to shake and quake through the God's anger and frustrations at seeing His favoured son and his Gash behave so appallingly. To see the riots and the out of control prisoners daub obscenities on Him, and cause explosions - not to mention the loud music.

This _had_ to stop!

 _"THAT DOES IT! !"_ the floating diamond screamed murderously, His anger causing quite the electrical storm. _"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OFF THIS FOOLISHNESS! THIS IS WORSE THAN MY MOTHER COMING TO VISIT! IT ENDS NOW! URGH, I NEVER THOUGHT IT'D COME TO THIS...BUT..."_

Leviathan took a breath before He yelled out; _"...CHANNARD! ! GET YOUR SWOLLEN TUMOR HEAD OVER HERE NOW!"_

Within a matter of seconds, the former Psychiatrist with the tentacle which closely resembled a male appendage attached to his head floated towards the diamond God and bowed low, but one could tell he didn't want to be there. And he was grumbling under his breath over the 'tumor' comment.

"Yes, my Lord, the doctor is in. What's the emergency?" Channard inquired.

 _"Okay first off..."_ Leviathan bellowed at the doctor. _"STOP quoting medical phrases every time we meet! It's so absurd and I hate it, and if you don't cease I'll zap your tumor! Understood?"_

Channard clenched his fists as possibly permitted before swallowing his annoyance and bowing once again to his Lord. "Yes, of course my master. I apologise. So, how may I be of assistance?"

The diamond entity continued to swirl above the Channard Cenobite calmly and slowly, while He issued the doctor with his task. _"Now, you may have noticed that things have changed around the Labyrinth as of late. My favourite son is embarrassing me with his over sensitivity, not to mention allowing chaos amongst the prisoners because he is now currently scared of his own shadow, Angelique is picketing herself to me in strong protest over women's rights, Butterball is fast wasting away, Nikoletta is obsessed with reading nursery rhymes...she's even tried to read some to me. And Chatterer is too over protective of her! GAAAAH! It is a nightmare, Channard! A nightmare!"_

Channard hummed, nodding his head while taking all of this in. "I see. There are a lot of issues amongst our friends that must be attended to. So, what can we do about this, my Lord?"

 _"You, Channard, are going to round the five of them up and get them to a group session to talk and possibly get some treatment. And soon. I wish to find out what the DEVIL has gotten into them..."_

"But my Lord...?" Channard interrupted.

 _"What is it now?"_ Leviathan grumbled.

"Well...it's just that...they still hate me for killing them all those years ago. Is it wise for me to actually be the one to treat them? Or to even approach them? It could mean dire consequences for all." Channard explained, his voice a tinge with fear. Honestly, could he really blame them for hating him for their deaths at his hand? I wouldn't. Leviathan wouldn't. The legion of Pinsty fans wouldn't...

 _"You have nothing to worry about, my dear doctor!"_ Leviathan boomed. _"Well, maybe you should watch out for Chatterer. He's a little too over protective of Nikoletta. He might pummel you just for looking at her. But the others, I wouldn't worry. No, wait a minute...yes...I'd be careful around Angelique too...that woman is more insane as an activist!"_ Leviathan sighed briefly before continuing. _"Anyway, the point is - if you don't help my son and his Gash and restore the balance to the order within the Labyrinth, then I will fire you and reduce you back to human form, and when my son is back to normal I will unleash him and his Gash on you for a long overdue revenge. Do you now comprehend!?"_

Channard gulped hard, fearing for his existence. He really didn't want to do this. This was going to be the most excruciatingly painful job he has took on since the day he resurrected Julia in the mattress.

Oh well, he thought. A job was a job - and mental issues was his area of expertise.

With a deep sigh, Channard bowed low once again and floated backwards. "Yes, my Lord. I shall try my utmost best. I promise."

But just as he was floating away, the diamond deity called out; _"Oh, and before you forget, remember to rub some cream on that tumor! It sure looks redder than usual today."_

Channard, at the end of his tether, gritted his teeth and yelled, "IT'S NOT A TUMOR!" before floating off in a huff.

 ** _To Be Continued..._**

* * *

 _:D Hope you all enjoyed!_


	2. Diagnosis Madness

_Well then, as promised I have not one, not two, but THREE updates for this insane story. I hope you enjoy it. Remember, this is a parody and not to be taken seriously. Just relish the madness and keep an open mind. ;) - Laura_

* * *

Chapter Two - Diagnosis Madness

The narrow grey Halls of the Labyrinth was currently awash with the bizarre and the strange as Channard prepared his upcoming therapy sessions for the main members of the Gash, who right this moment were each engaged in all kinds of situations.

Angelique was angrily chasing a screaming Trevor and Frank through the halls of the Labyrinth, knife in hand and ready to forcefully castrate them, for calling her a slut and demanding she take off her shirt and show her titties. Butterball was supping on disgusting and vile looking cabbage smoothies, and going for power walks. Chatterer was carrying Nikoletta away in his arms from what he considered was a dangerous situation for her, chattering some kind of threat to a groaning Pistonhead who was following not far behind, having been the unfortunate one to get on the wrong side of Chatterer, and being guided into the Halls by his girlfriend Dreamer. He was nursing a swelling, black eye.

"All I did was suggest a foursome!" our Pistonheaded friend moaned to Dreamer, who was too busy face-palming.

And let's not forget Pinhead. Oh yes, our pinheaded friend was currently crying a river over the very sad and heart breaking ending to _Ghost_ and had engulfed his unprepared and fed up girlfriend Kirsty in a bone crushing hug, breaking her ribs as he blubbered into her shoulder.

"OOOH KIRSTY! THAT'S SO...S-S-SAD! HIS LIFE WAS SNATCHED AWAY SO CRUELLY...JUST WHEN EVERYTHING WAS LOOKING UP FOR THEM...AND...AND..." His lips quivered again before he burst into more tears and crushed a currently choking Kirsty into his massive frame. "...OOOH KIRSTY! HOLD ME!"

Kirsty sighed as she heard her bones breaking, and felt her shirt getting soaked with his tears. All she wanted to do was have a nice, romantic evening in with her Cenobitic lover and watch a movie together - not have to cope with his sensitivity over the main character's death, not having him get all embarrassed over the steamy love scene between the two love interests, not having to watch as he screeched in fear and hid behind the sofa at the scary moment at the end when those eerie dark spirits came to take to bad guys to Hell!

Still, she had to admit - he wasn't nearly as bad as he was just a few weeks before when they watched _Bambi_ together. Oh was that a drama worth forgetting. Kirsty shuddered at the memory; all the crying, trying to escape to earth where he wanted to rescue and adopt a cute little orphaned baby deer...the said deer running amok through the Labyrinth where a giggling Pinhead chased after it - least it cheered him up - and the other Cenobites and Kirsty all working together to try and prevent Leviathan from finding out there was an adorable baby animal skipping through his domain. But to no avail.

While Kirsty attempted to console her blubbing boyfriend, Channard observed the madness around him, furiously taking down mental notes as he went along. He had to agree that all of them were disrupting the Order within the Labyrinth and there was something certainly not right or natural with either of them, though the one whose behaviour was making the most fracas and disorder, the one whose bawling and crying was so loud even the Harrowers within traitor land could hear it, was that of Xipe Totec - the pin headed Cenobite once so feared by everyone who ever met him, and favoured by the floaty diamond God Leviathan for his no nonsense approach.

But now, thanks to the witch whom cast a powerful spell on him and who Channard had yet to find out was the one responsible for the main Gash's problems, Pinhead was far, far so very far from the cool and calculating Cenobite he once was. The doctor could just about remember that day one month back, when the problems arose. When Pinhead first exhibited signs of his current status.

And oh what a day it was too!

* * *

 _ **Flashback...**_

"OH ALL YOU POOR PSEUDOS!" Pinhead wailed uncontrollably as he had cornered the group of shocked pseudo Cenobites he had cruelly made so long ago in the height of his power hungry greed. They didn't know what the hell to do as they watched their usually cool master back them into the wall and have a total breakdown before their eyes...and over them! "HOW COULD I BE SUCH A MONSTER TO YOU ALL?! I'M SO ASHAMED, I'VE PROBABLY RUINED ALL YOUR LIVES...WHEN YOU WERE ALL SO YOUNG AND HAPPY! WHY!? WHY MUST EVERYTHING SO JOYOUS AND HAPPY ALWAYS TURN BAD?! WAAAAAAAH!"

Dreamer raised her eyebrows whilst watching the man who had wooed and charmed her back at the club all those years ago cry like a little baby. Was this the same guy?

"I've been having nightmares about this happening for weeks..." Dreamer whispered into her boyfriend Pistonhead's ear, speaking of the weird dreams she kept having about Pinhead being a cry baby. She had brushed them off as being silly, senseless dreams brought about by stress, but looks like it came true after all. "But...I never believed it would ever...OH LEVIATHAN I didn't think this was possible! MASTER...have you lost your mind!?"

"OOH POOR DREAMER!" Pinhead suddenly, and without warning, engulfed Dreamer in a hug. " LIFE WITHOUT DREAMS IS SO UNFAIR! DREAMS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL - WHY COULDN'T YOU DREAM?! AND WHY DID I TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR VULNERABILITY!? YOU'RE LIKE BAMBI! THE DOE EYES AND...AND...LIKE HOW SAD YOU WERE...AND...AND...OOOOH POOR BAMBEEEEEEEE! AND POOR DREAMER!"

While Pinhead was crushing poor Dreamer to death, Pistonhead and the others all glanced to one another and shrugged, all not knowing of why their master was so upset.

Pistonhead was the one to clear his throat and come closer to Pinhead, attempting to release Dreamer from his killer death grip hug. "Uh...boss?"

"SO YOUNG! SO YOUNG! SOOOO YOOOUNG!" He continued to scream, and not noticing that Dreamer had passed out in his arms.

The dreaming Cenobite dropped to the floor unconscious as our snivelling pinheaded friend then couldn't help but notice CDHead, who tried to tiptoe past him as quietly as he could but to no avail. It was too late. Pinhead had too engulfed him in a hug.

"AUGH YOU POOR BOY!" Pinhead croaked. "FORGIVE ME! I CANNOT IMAGINE THE HORROR OF HAVING MUSICAL ELECTRONIC RECORDINGS AND COMPACT DISCS LODGED THROUGH MY HEAD! HOW PAINFUL IT MUST BE!"

 _"Uh, actually boss..."_ CD spoke mentally. _"It doesn't seem half as painful as your pi-"_

"HOW COULD I DEMONIZE YOU WHEN YOU HAD A LIFE AHEAD OF YOU!?" Pinhead interrupted, still wailing. "I TURNED SUCH A VIBRANT AND ALIVE YOUNG MAN INTO AN UNFEELING ROBOT...!"

 _"Um...I'm not a rob-"_

"YOU WERE SO YOUNG...!" Pinhead randomly screamed again, releasing CD and tossing him aside. "YOU WERE ALL SOOOOOO YOUNG! WHY?! WHY?! WHY WAS I SUCH A MONSTER?! WHY WAS I SO MEAN?! WHY?!"

Pinhead's constant screaming and wailing had brought Channard into the room, and in his hand there was an injection full of valium. He snuck up behind Pinhead and stuck him with it before he knew about it, and he was asleep before he hit the floor.

Pistonhead wiped his sweaty brow. "Phew. That was close. What the hell has gotten into PinBoy anyways?!"

Channard shook his head as all the pseudos got together and dragged a sleeping Pinhead back to his chambers. "I am at a loss as to know what is wrong with him."

It didn't take long to discover, not long after Pinhead's wailing fit, that he was not the only one with problems...what with Chatterer punching him full in the face just for staring at Nikoletta who was singing _Baa Baa Black Sheep_ gleefully at the top of her lungs, Angelique with a sandwich board which had scrawled along it - **EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL!** and Butterball throwing out his secret stash of candy bars and other kinds of yummy goodness!

Channard had almost fainted at the sight.

This surely had to be a big prank?

Wasn't it?

* * *

Nope. It was never a prank, and the madness had gone on for a further month. Channard had a theory that it had something to do with a mission the five of them took together, that must have been the common cause. But since neither one of them could recall their last mission, it was down to Channard to - as well as finding out the best possible cure for them - find out how and when it all began.

But it wasn't going to be easy.

 _ **To Be Continued...**_


	3. The Doctor Is In

Chapter Three - The Doctor Is In

 ** _A Day Later, Channard's Office_**

 ** _(whoa - wait! Channard has an office?!)..._**

"Greetings, Gash members."

Channard politely welcomed the five most important Cenobites as they entered within his chamber/office single file, and took their seats which were organised into a round, neat circle. It had took a few hours, but Kirsty and the Pseudos had persuaded the five of them to attend - with bribes!

Kirsty had promised Pinhead a puppy, Angelique was promised to be made full ambassador of women's rights, Butterball was promised a life time supply of exercise DVDS and weight loss shakes, Nikoletta was promised more nursery rhyme books - more than any child could get their hands on, and Chatterer was promised a romantic vacation away for himself and Nikoletta on a secluded, security-tight island.

But right now, most of them nodded their heads in response to Channard's warm welcome. Pinhead sort of did a little coy giggle, waved shyly and bowed his head to the floor, whereas Chatterer pushed himself before Nikoletta and guarded her with his very life, growling menacingly at the doctor. Nikoletta, however, still had her nose stuck in the nursery rhyme book and barely glanced up - just merely inclined her hand in a careless wave gesture.

Angelique did not wish to be touched in any way. She had made that perfectly clear when Channard had politely tried to squeeze her shoulders in welcoming her. He was lucky she didn't break every bone in his hand.

Butterball? He was the only one to greet the doctor...whilst holding up his over-sized cassock and preventing it from falling to the floor around his bony ankles.

"Well..." Channard continued, clearing his throat. "I would like to thank you all for coming at such short notice. I know it must be tough for you all to come here today, but I would like you all to know that here - there will be no judgements made in any way or...XIPE TOTEC WILL YOU PLEASE REMOVE THAT PAPER GROCERY BAG FROM YOUR HEAD THIS INSTANCE!"

Everyone turned to the sight of Pinhead, his shoulders slumped as his chair was a little out of the circle and hiding his face within a brown paper grocery bag. One could tell it was Pinhead, because of the obvious ends of pins pushing against the paper material of the bag.

When Pinhead made a soft grunt, muffled under his own made mask, obviously of defiance, Channard folded his arms and leaned back in his seat. "Xipe, I will not ask you again. Take off the mask and give it over to me, at once."

Pinhead suddenly folded his arms in a huffy fury. "No!" he screamed. "I refuse to give up my right for anonymity!"

"Anonymity? Xipe, we all already know it's _you_!" Channard shot back, rising from his seat and nearing the hiding pinned Cenobite. "Come now, give it to me Xipe." he politely asked once again.

"Never!" Pinhead huffed, folding his arms and not exactly prepared for Channard to snatch the bag from his head.

"I'll take that." Channard smirked, folding it up after the brief tug of war with it between him and Pinhead, whose lip quivered. "If you abide by my rules during this session, I promise to give it back." Pinhead and the other four individuals were unaware of the crossed fingers Channard hidden behind his back.

"How dare you!" Pinhead cried when he realised what had happened, and he began to sob. "I don't want anyone to see my face!"

Channard sighed deeply. This was going to be a long day. "Why ever not, Xipe?" He asked curiously.

"Because I'm ugly! And hideous! I look like a tall variety of desert dwelling Cacti! Can't believe Kirsty wants me to go on Hell's Next Top Model, let alone finds me attractive! Oh yes, they'd probably want me for the poster boy for the warnings of over extensive acupuncture or nail gun safety for morons!"

Channard tutted, shaking his head in sympathy. "Xipe, you seem to be suffering from low self esteem, and over sensitivity. That is quite obvious...but..."

Just as Channard was taking a breath, there was the sound of an obnoxious laugh coming from outside the door, along with the grating noise of pistons. Everyone turned to see the annoying ass Pistonhead, leaning against the door frame and chuckling violently. "No shit! Well I'd have never guessed, Doc!" he laughed, only serving to push Pinhead into further tears, and attempting to hide himself behind his hands.

"Pistonhead, I will not have you disrupting the session, or upsetting my patients." Channard calmly but firmly told the former night club owner. "Will you please leave! This is for the main Gash members only..."

"What?" Pistonhead laughed, plopping himself down on a spare chair which was, to Pinhead's discomfort, right next to the currently sobbing-heart-out Cenobite. "And miss all the fun and games?! Doc, please! Watching Pinny boy here crying over the littlest thing is _way_ better than sex!"

As Pinhead wailed even harder, Butterball sympathetically tapping the pinned Cenobite's back with his now bony hand, Channard gave Pistonhead a wary and cautious stare. "Hmmm, I trust you are going to turn up on time for your next sex addiction therapy session this time, hmmm?"

"Hey what can a guy do? When he's gotta fuck, he's gotta fuck, isn't that right Pinny boy?!" the piston Cenobite chuckled, slapping Pinhead hard on the back and winking, making him cry even harder. "My girl Dreamer can't keep her hands off me!" Pistonhead declared pervily before he dissolved into a mad fit of giggles.

Channard sighed and face palmed, while Angelique, who was still heavily involved in women's rights, snarled in fury and leapt from her seat. Her nostrils had flared through the anger of listening to such perverseness. Pointing her finger at Pistonhead, she snarled; "IF this mangy, snivelling little toad does not remove himself from here at once, I shall personally see to it that he will not be able to engage in sexual relations for the remainder of his existance!"

Every man within the room, even the crying-like-a-little-girl Pinhead, knew exactly what the Princess meant by that and winced at the mere thought.

Pistonhead gulped hard and rose from his chair, raising his hands in a typical 'take it easy' gesture. "Hey, ok baby...don't have a bitch fit."

Angelique drew a knife. "Don't call me by that unflattering term, or you'll enjoy the same fate as Frank Cotton and Trevor Gooden!"

Pistonhead sighed and backed away slowly. "Ok ok! I'm goin'!" As he turned to leave, Pistonhead caught sight of the rhyme Nikoletta was currently reading.

"Nursery rhymes huh?!" he chuckled, not noticing how Chatterer was rising from his seat, ready to punch Pistonhead's lights out if he didn't move away from his girl at once.

"Yeah, nursery rhymes suck." the pistonheaded Pseudo blurted, not caring to notice how his pronouncement had upset Nikoletta.

The open throated Cenobite blinked her eyes at Pistonhead once, her face darkening immensely before she made the silent signal to her ready and waiting boyfriend.

"Heh...uh oh!" Pistonhead gulped, watching as Chatterer charged after him.

"I'M SORRY MAN! I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOUR GIRL! I WAS ONLY KIDDING! I'M SORRY I'M SOOOOORRRRY...OOOF!"

Pistonhead's pleads turned swiftly into screams of pain as sounds of someone getting viciously beaten up echoed through the Labyrinth, and one of the rude Cenobite's pistons rolled into the room all broken, while the rest of the Gash all winced. Pinhead cried, Butterball and Angelique didn't care, Nikoletta beamed with pride and Channard face palmed.

Oh yes, what a great start to the therapy session indeed!

 _ **To Be Continued...**_


	4. Therapy From Hell

Chapter Four - Therapy From Hell

A full hour had past since the therapy session commenced with a bang, and since Pistonhead got beaten to a pulp by an over protective Chatterer for making fun of Nikoletta's nursery rhymes. Channard had no choice but to leave Angelique in charge of the four other Cenobites while he had tended to a mangled faced Pistonhead, and along with the Surgeon Cenobite they both cleverly reconstructed the sex addicted Cenobite's face and re-attached the piston that had been ripped out the best they could.

Though the poor piston guy would never look the same again, despite the best efforts of both Cenobite doctors.

Leaving behind a groaning and doped up on pain killers Pistonhead all wrapped up like a mummy from head to toe in bandages with Surgeon, Channard briskly floated his way back to his office/chambers where the therapy session was being held. His gut churned with the dreaded anticipation as to what the five had been up to in his absence. Since he had no choice but to leave Angelique in charge, and Kirsty was unavailable so early in the morning. She would have been a safer bet, but since she was still human and needed sleep unlike her pinheaded boyfriend she couldn't attend. And in a way it was a good thing; Kirsty was murderously grouchy first thing in the morning or whenever she had been dragged out of bed so early.

It was now seven am, the session having started at six. It wouldn't be long before Kirsty was awaje, and she could join the session and help Channard find the cause for her boyfriend's issue, for lack of a term to call it. She spent a lot of time with him, surely he would have said something to her before he went off on the very mission Channard was so adamantly sure had something to do with the start of their problems.

In the meantime, Channard shuddered as he reached for the door handle, and hearing a loud screech coming from the inside made his skeleton leap out from his skin. "Urgh, this can't be good." the doctor muttered, sighing as he made his way in to the room swiftly.

The sight that had greeted him was that of Angelique beating Pinhead around the head with her protest sign. Channard could barely understand a word she was screaming at the pinned man, since she was uncontrollably bashing the Hell out of him, but he did catch a few snippets, something to do with inappropriate touching and her wanting to rip off certain body parts.

Channard's hand made its way back over his face before he exploded. "ANGELIQUE! XIPE! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?"

Angelique released a whimpering Pinhead from her wrath and pointed at him furiously. "HE tried to rape me!"

Pinhead's lip quivered. "No no! I didn't! I would never harm you! I just wanted to hug you, Princess..."

"DO NOT CALL ME THAT, YOU SEXIST FIEND! I AM NOT YOUR, OR ANY OTHER PERVERTED MALE'S, PRINCESS!"

Pinhead teared up and Channard, ready and waiting with a hanky in one hand, handed it to him as our adorable pinned friend burst into more hysterical tears, drenching the hanky and ran off to cry in the corner.

Angelique huffed indignantly before taking her seat. "Men!" she grumbled.

Channard sighed. What really did happen, according to Butterball, was that Pinhead had gotten into another one of his famous hysterical pitying fits, feeling bad that he had dragged Angelique into Hell all those years ago and turned her into his bitch when really she was the Princess, and had tried to hug her like he had everyone else he felt he had 'wronged', but she misconstrued it as being something sexual, and immediately defended herself against him, when just over a month ago and the years before that, she would have been delighted and triumphantly smug to get a hug from the man she had lusted for since the day she joined him.

But as much as a problem it was for Kirsty and Pinhead's relationship normally, what with Angelique out to seduce Pinhead and sometimes shamelessly in front of the irate Cotton girl, and the dread the doctor felt when it comes the time when everything is back to normal and he will be back to helping Kirsty with anger management over the Princess, Channard couldn't really think about that right now.

Right this moment, he had to help five out of control, slacking off duties, causing disturbances, embarrassing Leviathan and humouring the prisoners, Cenobites - as hard as it was going to be. The very words, "I'LL FIRE YOU!" as screeched to him by Leviathan scared him greatly. He didn't want to go back to being a mortal soul in his own Hell and being tormented by Julia again. He had worked so hard to get his Cenobitic rights back, despite strong protest by the fantastic four of Pinhead, Chatterer, Nikoletta and Butterball. And even Kirsty. Hey, you'd be pissed too if you were unfairly killed by the Cenobite doctor!

Channard took his seat finally and took a look around. Spotting Pinhead in the corner, apparently still sobbing his heart out and rubbing his sore head, the good doctor cleared his throat. "Xipe, if you would be as so kind as to rejoin us some time today...please?" he said kindly though firm.

Pinhead turned to face the group, and slowly merged from the darkness and came forward. "A-A-Angelique is not going to hurt me again, is she?"

Channard face palmed. "NO Xipe, she will not. Now will you PLEASE come join us before I lose my patience!?"

Pinhead's lip quivered again and he sniffled, looking close to tears as he was near enough taking his seat. But just as his backside nearly touched the seat, his eyes widened at the sound of a woman's high heeled shoe soles clacking against the stone floor outside drew nearer, and there was a knock at the door.

"OH NO!" Pinhead screamed like a little kid. "IT'S LEVIATHAN'S MOTHER! ARRRGGGHHHHH! HIDE ME!" He dove behind Channard's chair in a flash, the top of his head re-emerging after a moment or so and his big wide black eyes watching out. They widened even more so and he ducked himself down as the door creaked open and someone walked in.

Pinhead squeezed his eyes tightly shut, believing it was Leviathan's mother - a mischievously horny and trouble making female entity who had given life to Leviathan so many eons ago, well before time itself. She usually took on the form of a sultry looking woman, and was always out to seduce Xipe. Oh yes, not just Angelique wanted him. Leviathan's mom was a hundred, no - a thousand, no - a million, no - a TRILLION times as horny and sexually aggressive as Angelique was, when she was normal anyway. Pinhead really did curse his good looks, bad boy persona, smooth operator attitude and charm, but right now, he was scared wit-less of the 'woman'.

However, just as he was trying to hide himself further down behind the chair, a soothing and familiar soft voice immediately quelled his fear.

"Hey guys." the voice said. "Where's Pinny-Poo?"

Pinhead rose up, still a little fearfully. "Kirsty? That you?" he inquired.

Kirsty smiled, but inwardly rolled her eyes. She was getting fed up of his overgrown cry baby, over shy and over sensitive nature. She wanted a man! But not just any man...HER man! And right this moment, with her arm in a bandage, sporting a black eye and holding her ribs and groaning, she looked like she'd been in a car accident. But really, she had been crushed to death in a killer death grip hug by a six foot tall, two hundred odd pound man-child.

"Yes, Pinny-Poo, I'm here. Just wanted to see how things were goin'. Hey I thought you would have been back to normal already...!" She turned and gave Channard an evil and chastising look at saying that.

Channard sighed. "As much as I very much wish the same thing Kirsty, these things take time, and cannot be resolved overnight. We must strive to find the root of the cause, and then find a suitable cure..."

"Yeah, yeah whatever!" Kirsty muttered in a uncaring tone as she took her seat next to her boyfriend who was currently trying to hug her. "All I know is that I'm starved of sex, I'm having to look after a big pin faced baby, AND I'm having to take care of his paper work and do his jobs."

As Pinhead cried some more, Kirsty's face morphed into a look of despair and she looked to the ceiling and cried; "WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN! ?"

Channard let Kirsty finish her rant before clearing his throat and continuing. "Yes. ANYWAY, I think I may know what may be the common cause, though nothing is set in stone yet for this theory..." He took a breath. "I believe that the cause of your problems may have been started by a mission shared between the five of you. Though what actually happened and what you possibly came face to face with, I do not know. That is why, as well as trying to find a best possible treatment for you, I have asked you to come. We can discuss your problems as well as trying to help you remember back to what happened to you a month ago. So..."

Taking another breath and clearing his throat, Channard turned and faced Pinhead, who had finally stopped crying.

"Ok now Xipe, my dear chap..." he said professionally. "I wish for you to recall your memories from the last mission you attended. Who was it you seen?"

Pinhead sniffled and began to tear up once again. "My last mission? You mean with how I always have to hurt those poor people with the scary chains?! And get scared about my pins?! I...I...WAAAAH!" He began crying again, making Kirsty hold her head in her free hand. "I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE WITH CHAINS!"

Channard sighed and held up his hands, hoping to calm the pinned Cenobite down. "No...Xipe! No one's asking you to use your chains. Please don't cry...just pull yourself together, man! Stop crying! I need to get to the bottom of your issue."

"But I don't want to!" Pinhead sobbed, turning his back.

Kirsty, taking her face out of her hands, sweetly smiled to her boyfriend. "Pinny-Poo...?" she cooed, draping an arm around him and soothing him, giving off a false sense of security before she viciously grabbed his face and turned angry with him. "SHUT UP AND DO AS YOU'RE TOLD!"

But this only served to make Pinhead cry harder.

Channard gaped to the girlfriend of the once Prince Of Pain. "Kirsty!"

"What?!" Kirsty screeched, getting grouchy. "HE..." She pointed to Pinhead who was still crying. "...HASN'T TOUCHED ME FOR A MONTH EXCEPT FOR BONE CRUSHING HUGS WHEN ALL I ASK FOR IS HIS DAMN LOVE!"

Channard face-palmed. Kirsty could be so damn over the top angry sometimes she could give the Incredible Hulk a run for his money. "Please Kirsty, you must remain patient. All this will be resolved soon!"

Kirsty grabbed him by his vestments and brought his face to hers. "Resolve it now!" she screamed. "I WANT SEX! AND A REAL MAN! And a baby..."

Channard gulped. "Uh..."

Pinhead continued to bawl, obviously oblivious to the fact his girlfriend wanted him to father her baby, and to Kirsty and Channard's despair, went into another pity fit. "FIRST MY GASH, I MEAN CHATTERER WAS JUST A LITTLE BOY! I SICKEN MYSELF! AND IT ISN'T NICE TO TURN GIRLS INTO CENOBITES! ! I'M SORRY NIKOLETTA! AND BUTTERBALL - I'M SO ASHAMED FOR SPEAKING POORLY ABOUT YOU AND STEALING YOUR CANDY BARS BEHIND YOUR BACK! I'M SUCH A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PERSON!"

Pinhead, after hugging Butterball and breaking his exposed ribs, tried to hug Nikoletta, but was pushed away by a still over protective Chatterer.

Channard meanwhile watched on, trying to get a word in edgeways but failing. "Xipe-"

"OH, AND WHAT KIND OF SICK INDIVIDUAL TRIES TO SEDUCE A YOUNG AND SWEET TEENAGE GIRL?! I'M SORRY KIRSTY!"

Kirsty sighed. "Oh get over it!" she mumbled before reaching over with her hand and began stroking his cheek seductively, hoping to have another bash at bringing out the real him. "I always wanted you anyways!"

Pinhead, snivelling and barely noticing Kirsty's seduction attempt on him, rose from his seat and continued squealing. "BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT KIRSTY! I WAS MUCH OLDER THAN YOU WERE! AND IT WAS PERVERTED...AND...AND...I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER...AND...AND...I CAN'T BELIEVE I TRIED TO DO THAT TO YOU! OH KIRSTY PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" He once again grabbed her and hugged her.

Kirsty sighed, hearing another one of her bones breaking as she gave in and hugged him back. Pretty soon, there would be nothing left of her but a big skin bag of broken crushed pulp of bones. "It's ok Pinny-Poo. I forgive you..." Breaking free finally of the hug, she seductively drew a finger down his chest. "If you have sex with me...now!"

Pinhead flushed at once, looking utterly shocked. "Dear Leviathan NO Kirsty!" he squeaked, backing away from her sexy advancement. "I can't take advantage of such a young girl!"

Kirsty's lip quivered and her eyebrow twitched as she turned and banged her head against the wall. "For HELL'S sake Pinny...I'M THIRTY YEARS OLD! I'M NOT A TEENAGER ANY LONGER!"

Pinhead's lip quivered, AGAIN. "BUT...BUT...BUT...BUT...OOOOH POOR KIRSTY! I TOOK AWAY HER CHILDHOOD!"

Kirsty's shoulders slumped, and she looked just about to murder someone. Oh she did not see that coming!

As Kirsty screeched in utter fury, Channard persisted in trying to grab Pinhead's attention. "Xipe-"

"AND WHAT KIND OF SICK AND TWISTED PERSON AM I FOR LEAVING MY GIRLFRIEND'S FATHER IN HIS OWN HELL?! THAT'S JUST AS BAD AS ALL THE POOR PSEUDOS AND - OH I TOOK AWAY TWO FRIENDS OF JOEY SUMMERSKILL! OOOH JOEY! SHE'LL NEVER FORGIVE ME AND I DON'T EVEN BLAME HER!"

"Xipe-"

"AND THE MERCHANTS TOO! THAT POOR LITTLE BOY DOESN'T HAVE A FATHER NOW BECAUSE I RIPPED HIS HEAD OFF LIKE THE MONSTER I AM! I'M SO TERRIBLE!"

"Xipe, PLEASE stop crying!"

Nikoletta, sat within the circle and completely un-bothered by Pinhead's cry baby antics, began to sing. "Hush little baby don't you cry-"

Channard began to finally lose his rag, and snapped. "And I've had enough of you!" he screeched at Nikoletta. "I have had it with those damn nursery rhymes! And I don't even think THAT one even comes under a rhyme!"

Nikoletta stared silently, her eyes widening until the inevitable happened. She sniffled and started to tear up.

Channard felt himself panicking when he realised what had just happened. "Oh no! No no! Nikoletta! Please! NO! Please don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry!"

Nikoletta soon burst into hysterical tears, wailing just as hard as Pinhead.

Channard bit on his fist, just as Chatterer got out of his seat and cracked his knuckles, nearing the doctor with deadly intent to murder him.

Channard gulped. "No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Please stop crying! I'm sorry! I forgot...I uh...find enjoyment from the nursery rhymes!"

But Chatterer was still intent on killing him, drawing closer to Channard, holding his chair in use of a possible weapon.

"Uhhhh...Nikoletta! And you too Xipe! Cease your tears this instant...please?" Channard begged.

Chatterer was still nearing him, eager to beat the living crap out of him, while Pinhead and Nikoletta bawled their eyes out and hugged one another at the same time. Chatterer noticed, but he let it go...for now. He was too focused on murdering Channard for making his girl cry.

Channard was close to taking his own life when to be unexpected, Kirsty started crying too. "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME XIPE!?" she sobbed.

Butterball rose from his seat, utterly fed up of all the crying and wailing. "I'm going for a power walk." he said, trying to leave.

Channard shot up out of his seat. "You're _not_ going anywhere!"

Butterball rooted firmly to the spot and stared at Channard questioningly until he too started tearing up.

"Oh...no...! No no! Butterball! Please...don't...!" the doctor begged.

Butterball too began wailing like a banshee along with the others.

Channard face palmed and muttered; "Why me?", while Angelique sighed heavily.

Channard's head shot up, fearing more tears. "Oh no! PLEASE don't tell me you're going to cry too, Angelique!?"

Angelique frowned at Channard, showing her long sharp finger nails. "Oh so you assume this because I'm a woman and supposed to be sensitive!?"

"Uhhh...I didn't mean it like that..."

"Then what did you mean then, doctor?" Angelique sneered, getting up and advancing on Channard. "Please, enlighten me? Did you mean that you found more perverseness in wanting to see me cry?"

Channard gulped, completely unaware and forgetting of Chatterer's presence behind him. "No, I- GAHHH!" He got whacked with the chair by Chatterer.

Chatterer tossed the last remaining piece of the chair - its leg - to the floor and growled something to the currently groaning-on-the-floor-in-pain Channard of to not make his girl cry EVER again, or else, before stomping off and scooping up his girlfriend and holding her close.

Nikoletta stopped crying and looked up to her precious boyfriend/fierce bodyguard giddily.

Channard lifted himself up off the floor, rubbing his head and he could have sworn the end of the tentacle which the others always teased him about saying it looked like a tumor, swelled up even bigger than ever. He sighed, reaching for the box of tissues. "Let's take a different approach to this. First, tissue anyone?"

 _ **To Be Continued...**_


	5. Pitter Patter of Tiny Problems

Chapter Five - Pitter Patter of Tiny Problems

Once Channard was sure everyone had stopped crying, and round about ten boxes of tissues had been used up by those hysterically crying, the doctor cleared his throat and signalled for silence. He sighed as he took in the mess around him; all the crumpled up tissues that had been drenched with tears and other bodily fluids which came out of noses, and then discarded making it look like a blanket of snow within his office.

Not an inch of the stone floor beneath their feet was visible. All one could see was white - white as far as the eye could see. Channard face palmed. This was going to take forever to clean up.

"NOW, can we all have a bit of hush, please?" Channard spoke up, his voice so smooth and professional and grabbing the attention of those sat around him.

Looking to each of them, Channard could see most of them had gotten over their wailing fits. They were all puffy and red eyed, and pale - well, more than usual, sniffle-hiccuping but otherwise silent. Kirsty was reapplying her make up, while her boyfriend Pinhead was still mightily blowing his nose in his tissue. Everyone grimaced at the sound - it was like our pinned friend was playing the didgeridoo through his nose!

Elsewhere, Nikoletta was spouting out more nursery rhymes to keep herself happy, while Chatterer lovingly wiped away her tears. Butterball was doing some sit ups, and was on his fiftieth so far, and rising, while Angelique was beside him - in apparent competition with our shrinking Cenobite friend - just so she could prove a point that women could do more sit ups than a man could. She sadly became tired after her fifth sit up, and because of that Butterball paid for the failure - as the Princess decided to stamp her foot into his stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

While Butterball struggled to breathe, Channard slammed his fist down on a nearby table, wanting complete silence so that he could resume the therapy session.

"Well, I assume there are to be no more interruptions from you people?" Channard sighed, before turning his attention to Kirsty who had just finished reapplying her lipstick. She made a grab for Pinhead's hand and held onto it for moral support - big mistake. Pinhead gripped it tightly in response, crushing her fragile bones in the process. The tell tale _CRUNCH_ of an obvious broken bone within her delicate feminine hand was heard, making Kirsty sigh and Channard to wince horribly.

"Now, Kirsty..." Channard said to the Cotton woman, his voice flowing with professionalism and soothing to the sound. But Kirsty still didn't trust the guy. He was the bastard, after all, who used Tiffany, brought Julia back to life, killed his vulnerable patients, tried to kill her...oh and let's not forget killed the man who went on to be her lover. Why the hell should she trust him?

"I would like for you to think back to the moment before Xipe went off on the suspected mission. What can you remember that is at all significant and can help?" Channard asked.

Kirsty placed a finger to her bottom lip, fiddling with the skin a little and her eyes darted about. "Well..."

* * *

 _ **Flashback - One month ago, just before the mission...**_

 _"OH YES...OH PINNY! YES! OH MORE! YES, RIGHT THERE! JUST LIKE THAT! OOOOH PINNEEEEEEE!"_

 _"OOOH KIRSTY! COME FOR ME, KIRSTY! OH YES! COME TO PINNY!"_

 _ **End Flashback...**_

* * *

As Kirsty sat with a happy, satisfied reminiscent look upon her face and sighed with a sway, the others gawked to her in shock at her X-rated story. Especially Channard. Angelique was disgusted over their past sexual antics and started to ramble on again about female rights and Kirsty having no self respect, Nikoletta frantically searched her rhyme book in the hopes of blotting out the awful mental images burned in her mind, Chatterer had plugged his fingers into his ear holes and was telepathically humming loudly, Butterball had begun to obsessively exercise once more, and Pinhead simply flushed red from embarrassment, like that of a child whose mother was showing off baby photos of them or telling tales to their friends of their unknown habits.

"Kirsty!" Channard gasped, his tone sounding almost chastising. "That's not what I meant. What I mean is, can you...well, do you remember Xipe disclosing what his mission was about and who he was going to visit? He must have told you something. You're his girlfriend."

Kirsty pulled at the skin of her lip again before shaking her head. "No. I don't think so. All I remember is him going off to his mission, then returning to the chamber several hours later...all different..." she sighed...

* * *

 _ **Another damn Flashback, Kirsty and Pinhead's chambers, A Month Before...**_

Pinhead was sat upon his bed playing with what looked like two toy soldiers, having a few minutes ago woken up from sleep he could not remember slipping into - only for his eyes to settle on Kirsty leaning in the door-frame who was dressed provocatively and rubbing her hand across her raised thigh sexily.

"Pin-ny?" she purred suggestively.

"Yes?" Pinhead said rather excitedly, like he was anticipating a rather pleasant surprise. He was going to receive one, but within his mind it was something more innocent than what Kirsty was intending for him right now.

"Hmmm..." Kirsty purred again, sliding toward him in a whole naughty, swaying manner and swinging a pair of kinky looking handcuffs back and forth. "You wanna play a game?" she continued, brushing her fingers across his cheek sensually as she drew much closer.

"OOOH what kind of game!?" Pinhead suddenly squeaked, unnerving his girlfriend somewhat.

She brushed it off and continued.

"Well..." she began.

"Is it Cluedo?!" Pinhead squealed.

"Well I..." Kirsty then raised a brow. "What?"

"Battleships?"

"Uh...noooo..."

"Super Twister?"

"What the Hell...no..."

"Boggle?"

"Are you on crack?"

"OOoh I know! Snap?"

"No Pinny, it's not _THAT_ kind of game..."

"Monopoly?"

"No."

"OOOOH OOOOH OOOH HIDE AND SEEK?!"

"Are you fucking kidding me!?"

"Truth or dare?"

"No no no...Pinny, are you trying to wind me up!?"

"No...I'm trying to guess the game. Ooh I know! Musical chairs!?"

Kirsty didn't even bother to say no this time. Just merely stared to him with a WTF face.

"Foos ball?"

Kirsty face palmed.

"PS2?"

"No."

"Chess? Though, I think that game is boring."

"No!"

"OOOh I know! It's obviously POKER!"

Well that was it. It was the last straw. Kirsty saw red, and she turned red. With a scream worthy to pierce the ears of all the prisoners and even cause Leviathan to fall from his wondrous floatyness and crash to the floor, Kirsty yelled so very loudly and it was littered with such foulness that we have to put in some filtering here, "NOOOOOOOO! *******HELL PINNY! HAVE YOU GONE***** CRAZY!? IT IS NOT THOSE KIND OF**** GAMES FOR THE LAST*****TIME! I AM TRYING TO *****SEDUCE YOU!"

And it was at that moment Kirsty realised her once cool and calculating, excellent in bed, smooth charmer boyfriend...had changed...because the Prince of Pain does not burst into floods of tears over the least thing!

Kirsty raised her eyebrow as Pinhead cried a river over her yelling at him before her disbelieving eyes...

* * *

 _ **End Flashback...**_

Kirsty sighed at the memory. "And so here we are, over a month on. And not once has he touched me." She sighed again. "I'll never get a baby..." It was just at that moment she suddenly, without warning, got all queasy. "...I...bleeergh!"

She proceeded, to the shock of herself and everyone around her, to throw up on a unprepared Channard.

Channard grimaced at the sight. He was a doctor. He was used to seeing all kinds of gross stuff. But vomit he could not abide. "Eeeeeeeeew!" he squealed, jumping back. "Forgive me but...augh eeeew eeew eeeeew!"

Pinhead shot up from his chair and clamped to his pale looking girlfriend's side. "KIRSTY! My sweet! What is ever the matter with you! ?" he cried.

Kirsty shook her head, wiping her mouth. Believing her spell of vomiting was over, she lifted her gaze to her boyfriend, looking into his frantic face. "I...I dunno...I...BLEEERGH!" She paled and threw up again, this time all over Angelique's sandwich board, who then scowled and stomped off to get her board cleaned up.

Pinhead in the meanwhile began to revert to panic mode once again. Much to a sea sick green looking Kirsty's despair. "Oh my, I can recall this from a horrifying movie! You're possessed by a demon and are now purposely vomiting!" the pinned demon cried, his arms wrapping tightly around her and making her vomit more. "Urgh! Poor Kirsty! My poor girlfriend is in PAIN! BECAUSE OF ME! BECAUSE I AM PAIN!" he screamed.

Kirsty sighed and face palmed. "Pinhead, will you PLEASE calm down...bleeergh!" she threw up again. "I've...just...got a bug or something!"

Pinhead still cried though. "WHY!? WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE!?"

A look of worry crossed Channard's face. "You mean Evelyn went through the same thing?" he asked.

Pinhead turned his gaze to the doctor and gave a puzzled look. "My beautiful sister from when I was human...? I do not recall. How do you know her anyway?"

Channard flushed red while clutching an old black and white photo of a gorgeous dark haired young woman who looked the image of Rachel Weisz from _The Mummy_ films. This was a rare photo that Channard had stolen from Pinhead and Kirsty's chambers of the sister he had while human, Evelyn Spencer. He had a secret major crush on her. It was just as well Pinhead was like this. Imagine the bloodbath if he was to learn of Channard's crush on his baby sister when his usual self. Evelyn might be currently in her nineties, but to Pinhead - she was _far_ too young for dating.

"Erm..." Channard gulped, hiding the picture of Evelyn, and then cleared his throat quickly. "Come Kirsty, lie back." He gently took Kirsty's arm and offered her the examination bed. Looking to the others, he called out; "Carry on as I examine Kirsty."

Pinhead began to pace the room like he had ants in his pants while holding his head in his hands. "I'm going to lose the woman I love forever! What shall I do!? I would not know, because I must be the hideous monster behind it! OH KIRSTY! I've stolen your innocence and now you're probably dying because of me! Wait...DYING!? NOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T DIE KIRSTY!" He bawled even harder.

Kirsty rolled her eyes from behind the examination curtain. She was trying to give a urine sample on request from Channard. "I'M NOT DYING, YOU IDIOT!" she yelled from behind the curtain.

Butterball had begun to panic too. "I told you people!" he shrieked. "That's what calories do to ya! They make ya die!"

Channard, who was currently still examining Kirsty, sighed heavily. "No one is dying!" he impatiently yelled out.

Kirsty had just realised what Butterball had just said - it sounded almost like an insult. While Channard was feeling round her abdomen, she popped her head from behind the curtain and glared at Butterball. "You tryin to say I consume too many calories, Skeletore! ?" she sneered to the once obese Cenobite who was now a walking skeleton.

Butterball flushed and began fidgeting. "Erm...uhhh...uuuuhhh...well I...erm..."

Nikoletta was panicked too, and was madly flicking through her beloved book. "I don't think there's any rhymes about dying!"

"NO ONE IS DYING!" Kirsty and Channard screamed at the same time.

Pinhead stopped pacing and looked up to Nikoletta, seeming a tad hopeful. "Perhaps there is some wisdom from within that book! You're our only hope!" he told her.

"Uh..." The open throated Cenobite flicked through her book some more but didn't seem to have any luck. "Oh my! It doesn't have any answers! But...ooh! It's got cows jumping over moons!"

Pinhead's face dropped, and he slumped into his chair, throwing his hands into the air. "THERE'S NO ANSWER AND KIRSTY'S DYING! WE COULD ALL BE NEXT AND THERE IS NO HOPE! WHY!?" he cried his heart out.

Chatterer chattered something but no one paid any heed as they were too busy fussing over Kirsty. The translation: to possibly claiming he has his own answer to the situation. When no one looked up, he shrugged and grabbed Nikoletta, jumping out the nearby window like the crazy bodyguard he was.

Channard noticed just in time to see the chattering Cenobite leap out of his window, and he wasn't pleased. "YOU CANNOT LEAVE THIS THERAPY SESSION NOW, EVEN IF IT'S WITHIN DELAY! CHATTERER! NIKOLETTA! RETURN AT ONCE!" he yelled as he dashed over to the window and looked down.

"Weeeee! !" Nikoletta squealed, holding tightly onto her consort as they plummetted to the bottom - and it was just that second when they hit the ground that a painful sounding _'OUF!_ ' and a groan was heard from a familiar voice.

It was our friend Pistonhead, still all bandaged up and walking shakily like a little newborn lamb, alongside Dreamer who was holding him up. He was now on the floor, having been the unfortunate one to break the lovers' fall. He was heavily drugged up, much was evident as he moaned; "Ouchies! Whyza...whyza hell is it...it alwazz MEH!"

Nikoletta's mouth formed an 'O' as she stared at the spectacle. "Oh my! Did Jack here break his crown?"

Dreamer screeched in fury. "WHHHHHHHY! I was finally going on a official date that was simply just talking, a walk round the Labyrinth without sex and having to worry about getting knocked up by my moronic boyfriend for once! WHY?! JUST...WHY!?"

She then began to bawl her eyes out, and with Pinhead hearing the wailing from the room above and reducing him to more tears.

"EVERYBODY IS MISERABLE!" he bawled. "WAAAAAAAAH! THE WORLD IS SO CRUEL! BWAWAAAAAAAHH!"

Suddenly, as more tissues were being used up, Kirsty and Channard merged from behind the curtain, obviously aware of something nobody else was. "Uh...Pinhead?" Kirsty said.

Channard politely tapped him on the shoulder. "Xipe...I have some wonderful news..." he said with a slight smile.

Pinhead was barely listening though as he persisted in bawling his eyes out. "I'LL BE LONELY AND SAD FOREVER! JUST. LIKE. BAMBEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Channard turned to look at Kirsty and sighed. "Xipe, Kirsty's not going to die, you're not going to die, NO ONE is going to die. And you won't be sad and lonely forever, quite the contrary..." He took a breath as he placed a hand on Pinhead's shoulder and tapped it in congratulations. "You're going to be a father!"

"WAAAAAAAAHHH!" Pinhead wailed, then he stopped suddenly, gawking to Channard like he had a giant red nose on or something. "What?" he squeaked.

Kirsty face-palmed. "I'm pregnant, you moron! A month along now. According to this idiotic doctor here!"

"Hey!" Channard moaned, sounding slightly offended.

Kirsty rolled her eyes before turning her gaze back to her boyfriend who was dumbstruck beyond words. And probably further tears. "Well?" she pressed, folding her arms.

Pinhead said nothing. He merely stared to her like she was some kind of three headed alien with orange bright hair and big boggly eyes, before his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he crashed to the floor, out cold...and so did everyone else for that matter.

Channard face-palmed once again at the sight. "Oh this session is not going well at all." he pointed out.

"Gee, no shit, Sherlock." Kirsty folded her arms and huffed, before throwing up again - and all over poor Channard.

"OOooh...!" Channard groaned when he saw the vomit.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT FAINTING ON ME TOO! " Kirsty screeched at Channard, who fainted anyways.

Kirsty facepalmed. "Some help this is!"

 _ **To Be Continued...**_


	6. I Put A Spell on You

Chapter Six - I Put A Spell on You

Pinhead's vision was but a blur as he was beginning to come around on the floor of Channard's office/chamber, and all he could see around him was a huddle of faceless people staring down to him, all whispering and nudging one another.

"What shall we do?" hissed one voice which sounded like Kirsty. Her tone was somewhat concerned.

"I say we should poke him with a stick!" piped up one voice excitedly that sounded suspiciously like Pistonhead.

"No, I think we should strip him off and dress him up like a baby. He's always acting like one lately anyways." said another, who sounded like Butterball. "And then we should put him on a diet!" he added.

"Oh God, that's what my baby will look like. Like a mini version of its father." said Kirsty again, but this time in a more blank voice.

"I say we should strip him down to nothing and leave it at that." suggested a purring voice which sounded suspiciously like Dreamer. "He's got a real fit body." she added before sighing.

"Excuse me?" scoffed Kirsty. "That's my man you're drooling over!"

"Dammit Dreamer!" Pistonhead growled. "How long have you been oogling Pinboy behind my back?! And when the HELL did you ever see his body!?"

"Oh well sue _me_! I'm only tryin' to make light of the situation!" Dreamer spat back.

 _ **CHAT CHAT CHAT CHAT CHAT!**_ Translation from Chatterer; "Shut up, you're scaring my Niki!"

"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands...!" Nikoletta sang a familiar nursery rhyme she was trying to wake Pinhead up to, and clapping her hands in his face.

"Hmp, well I say we should throw water over him to wake him and get my girls to beat his ass!" Angelique boomed. "For getting Kirsty pregnant and leaving her to it."

"HE ONLY FAINTED FOR LEVIATHAN'S SAKE, ANGELIQUE!" Kirsty screeched. "He's not ran off to flippin Mexico and refuses to pay child support!"

"Whoa, wait...ssssh! I think he's coming round!" Pistonhead hissed, leading everyone to gather round him more.

"No, back up everyone - let's give him some space." Channard ordered, now awake from his little fainting spell and breaking into the crowd, pushing them back so the pinheaded demon had more room to breathe. "Xipe?" the doctor Cenobite murmured, placing a cloth to Pinhead's head, while our pinned friend was mumbling something slowly and weakly in his awakening state.

"There's no place like home...there's no place like home...there's no place like-"

 _ **SLAP!**_

"SNAP OUT OF IT YOU IDIOT!" yelled Kirsty, slapping Pinhead across the face and leading him to snap wide awake.

Now usually, this would be the part when Pinhead would tear up and burst into a wailing fit, only he was too shocked to. Instead, he stared to each of the people in the room in wide eyed wonder.

"Oh Kirsty!" he gasped, hugging her. "You'll never believe where I've been! I was in a land so far from here, full of mutilated demons and bloody chains..."

"You mean... _here_?" Kirsty asked, her left eyebrow raised.

Pinhead took no notice of Kirsty and continued on with his fantasy story. "...And you were there..." He pointed to Kirsty, before pointing to various other people in the room. "...and you...and you...and you...and..." He pointed to Kirsty's belly. "You were pregnant." he finished, making Kirsty raise an eyebrow again, and for everyone else to chuckle. "What a rather strange dream." he added, rising from the floor.

"Pinny-Poo, sweetheart, how to put this..." Kirsty cooed gently, holding his hand. Slowly, she said; "You were not...erm..."

"Yeah, what ya girl's basically tryin ta say _Dorothy_ is that you were not dreaming and that you got her up the duff for real you old dog you!" Pistonhead blurted out, giggling to himself and completely unaware of everyone turning to give him the death glare as he laughed his ass off.

Kirsty didn't say anything, though she had plastered across her face a look which screamed; 'If-you-don't-get-out-of-here-now-I-will-be-the-one-who-will-be-next-beating-you-to-a-pulp-and-not-Chatterer!'

Finally, Pistonhead noticed the evil, icy death glares everyone was giving him, especially Kirsty's, and at once backed down, lowering his head in shame, while Dreamer slapped him across the head for his stupidity.

* * *

Frustrated was a relative term, with what Channard was feeling at present. He was so completely steamed and close to blowing a fuse over the lack of progress the spell bound Cenobites were making that you could actually see the steam itself billowing from out of his ears. He, of course, had tried every tactic he could possibly think up within his over worked, frantic and overly tired brain. He still had absolutely no clue as to how to cure five out of control Cenobites.

With nothing else to go with, and with the petrifying image of the Cenobites forever cursed to live our their second lives as cry babies and nursery rhyme obsessives and over the top feminists echoing in his head, Channard had decided that perhaps for Xipe's problems at least he could try making the pinned Cenobite, who if you'll remember was over sensitive about everything, cry himself out. And how, I hear you ask, could Pinhead possibly cry himself out when he's shed rivers upon rivers of tears already and without a hint of drying out yet?

Well...

...It was pretty evident as to Channard's plan, when the tumor headed Cenobite had floated into the room, heaps of dvds cradled within his grasp and a big triumphant grin spread across his face. But not just any old films...

...but infamous weepy films.

Yeah.

Well, there's nothing that prickles the tear ducts of your eyes than a good ol' bawl-your-eyes out weepy.

But would it work? Would Pinhead cry himself out enough to break free from his curse?

Well, judging by the way Pinhead was now rocking back and forth in his seat, whimpering and sucking his thumb like a baby as he was just fresh from watching _City of Angels_ , whilst his newly pregnant human consort Kirsty violently face palmed and looked close to tears herself, or rather viciously set to murder someone - with Channard himself in mind, obviously it was very unsuccessful.

"Well, Doctor Smartypants..." Kirsty spoke with hints of a sassy edge in her tone. "You got any more bright ideas that your tumor might cook up?"

Channard's fists balled at his sides. "It's NOT a...Look it's not my fault! I am at a loss for what to suggest! I can't just snap my fingers and bring your lover and the Gash back to normal you know! I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!"

Whilst Channard spoke, and somewhat amused Kirsty with his Star Trek plagiarism Doctor quote there, the rest of the Gash were up to their usual - or rather unusual - tricks. Pinhead was sobbing his heart out, as we already established, Angelique was busy trying to assemble her female Cenobitic followers into beating the living hell out of poor Pinhead for getting Kirsty pregnant, Butterball was busily gulping back weight loss shakes and jogging on the spot at the same time - which was a very messy process, and Nikoletta was happily reciting _Little Miss Muffet_ whilst Chatterer guarded her by placing a see-through, impenetrable glass sheild around them...and Pistonhead and Dreamer? DON'T ask!

"OOOOOOOOOOH MY KIRSTY-WURSTY-POO!" Pinhead wailed and sniffled in the corner, still reeling from the effects of watching the romantic sob fest that is _City of Angels._

It only served to make Kirsty more pissed at Channard. As she stared back at him, her fists balled at her sides and she forced a cocky grin through gritted teeth at the gulping doctor. Before Channard could register what was happening, the insane minded Cotton girl grabbed a hold of Channard's top and dragged him forwards violently so that their faces were close enough for their noses to be touching.

"Well, _Doctor.._."Kirsty hissed sarcastically. "If you don't do something about this and soon, I swear to both God and Leviathan, I will fucking SNAP your neck, and shove that tumor in a place where the sun don't shine! Got it!?"

Channard's eyes widened in absolute horror, and he gulped audibly. "Um, yes ma'am." he squeaked.

Kirsty grinned then finally relinquished her tight hold on him by tossing him aside like he was nothing. "Good! Now get to it!"

Channard brushed himself down and sighed to himself, his mind began to mull over what else he could possibly do now. He'd done everything he could think of. He was at a loss to where even to begin. Like he said, he wasn't a miracle worker.

Then again...the rewards for lifting the curse on the very Cenobites he had killed once before years ago, the very Cenobites whom hated his guts and still continued to hold a grudge against him for all this time and not accept his genuine apologies, Channard imagined would be very lavish and great. He would possibly earn the respect of Pinhead, of Nikoletta...Chatterer and Butterball - even Kirsty! They would probably even be honoured to request he become a member of the Gash. Boy, wouldn't that be peachy? To be finally excepted, and-

"CHANNARD!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE FOR?!"

A loud yell tore through the room, instantly evaporating Channard's rather pleasant thoughts of him and the Gash...happily getting along, and be allowed to attend missions to Earth...and, and...Sigh. If there'd been a fluffy thought bubble above the doctor's head, then it would have burst miserably.

But yes, Channard had inadvertently been standing around, mulling over thoughts, and daydreaming about the possibilities and what could be when he should have been...curing the angry Kirsty Cotton's lover, somehow.

Channard weakly and slowly turned round to face said woman, and boy did she not look happy, with her hands on hips and foot tapping impatiently, and a deep lined frown across her forehead and eyes glaring.

"I MEAN IT, TUMOR BOY! I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AFTER TWO FUCKING BABIES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ONCE I GIVE BIRTH!" Kirsty continued to scream at the poor (not really) tentacle-headed doctor, whilst - yes - Pinhead still continued to wail in the background, and oddly - sing?

 _"Having my baby, what a lovely way of saying how much you love me..."_ Pinhead sang terribly out of tune and sniffled. Kirsty face palmed with both hands and screeched into them aggressively, making Channard wince.

"I assure you, dear, it will most likely not come to that. Perhaps-"

As Channard spoke assuredly, he was not even given a chance to finish his sentence, as a red eyed and very red faced Kirsty threw her head up from her hands, and snarled rather inhumanly at the doctor, almost like a tiger or lion. Bits of saliva flew from the corners of her mouth and her eyes were bulged out and blood-shot as she did so.

"Gah!" Channard backed away in fear, whilst Pinhead himself was silenced by the frightening appearance of his mortal girlfriend. Silenced so much so that no tears fell, no sappy singing came, no bawling, no whinging, no pitying, no child-like behaviour... _Nothing._ His coal eyes had cleared and he stared dead ahead to his one true love.

Naturally, both Kirsty and Channard had noticed it, and took to holding their breaths at the sight. Could this be true? Could snarling so horribly like an angry animal and suddenly have cured him?

"Pinhead? Pinny-Poo?" Kirsty whispered faintly, holding her breath still in anticipation.

"Xipe?" Channard followed on in the same action.

Pinhead, himself, remained glued to the spot, not crying and just inexpressive forcing the two to anxiously await what was coming. Even the rest of the Cenobites had frozen to the spot to see what was going down.

Slowly, the crowd began to gather round, intently staring to our pinned friend.

Was he cured then?

Well...

"KIRSTY'S SO SCARY! WAAAAH!"

Nope. Guess not.

As Pinhead began to wail and scream, the others slumped their shoulders in disappointment. Or rather, Channard and Kirsty did. And Kirsty herself it's safe to say it wasn't safe to be around her at the moment.

"Gah! Ugh! So damn close!" Kirsty slammed her fist down on the table and shot Channard an evil look. "Well, jackass, you're fast running out of options, and I'm fast running out of patience, and time!" She rubbed her presently flat stomach as indication she was discussing the baby growing within her.

"But Kirsty, I assure you, you're only in the early stages of pregnancy, and I'm very certain that your lover would be cu-"

Again, the doctor was not allowed to finish off his sentence as Kirsty's face darkened and she got up right into his face.

"Shut up...find that cure...and soon...or _else_...!" She cracked her knuckles at him as in threat.

Channard paled at that, well, as pale as he could go, considering. He turned around sheepishly and began to pace around, only for a thought to suddenly pop in his head rather suddenly. His eyes flew open.

"Well, what if I told him a bad plotted story?" Channard offered.

Kirsty's angry face morphed into puzzlement. "What kind of bad plotted story?" she asked suspiciously.

Channard smiled sneakily. "One that would infuriate him enough to snap him out of this..." he said. Then he turned his attention to a snivelling Pinhead.

"I know a story that can assist with your problems Xipe!" he declared to the once fierce Lead Cenobite, tapping his shoulder in a friendly kind of way.

Pinhead sniffled in response. "No more sad movies?" he trembled.

"No more sad movies." Channard concurred.

Pinhead immediately stopped sniffling. "O-okay." A childlike smile crept upon the pinned demon's face.

"It's called _The Ugly Cenobite_." Channard began, sitting Pinhead down, whose smile grew wider like in delight.

 _'Maybe this could be like 'The Ugly Duckling'? SQUEE! I love that adorable little creature. Perhaps the Cenobite equivalent will prevail. And...Oooh that poor Ugly Duckling!'_

Pinhead felt like crying again at the thoughts of the sad and lonely little fairy tale character, but swallowed his sorrow for the time being as the funny tumor headed doctor was all set to regale him.

"Once there was an ugly Cenobite." Channard continued. "He was so ugly that everyone died. The end."

And that was it.

Whilst Channard grinned like an absolute moron, Kirsty gawked in shock...and Pinhead?

"THAT DIDN'T HELP AT ALL!"

The pinned Cenobite began to wail even harder at the noble attempt, that dreadful non-story that Channard had told in hopes of curing him.

Like Hell it didn't!

Was Kirsty grateful to him for at least trying?

Oh hell no!

"Nice work, tumor boy! Now you made him worse!" Kirsty screeched.

Once the doctor received a brutal lecture from the Cotton woman, things pretty much got out of hand again with the crazy situation which was that of the Gash's weird curse. Even worse than usual.

And the usually mild-mannered Cenobite was beginning to lose it...

Pinhead in the meanwhile descended into another pitying/wailing/panicking fit, while Nikoletta screamed at the sight of an _'incy wincy spider'_ , leading Chatterer to charge after it with the box and trying to suck it into Hell - completely missing the point that they were ALREADY in Hell! Butterball decided to go for a jog, and Angelique started to lecture Pinhead about his new responsibilities as a father, and that if he didn't be a man and raise his kid then she'd do something lethal to his ding dings ensuring he'd never get any more women pregnant, and in the meanwhile, Kirsty and Channard face-palmed at the madness.

"Urgh! I've had it with you people!" Channard randomly cried, making everyone stop and look at him as he headed for the exit. He looked red in the face, and appeared he was running low on the patience he usually possessed. "You're all totally and without question BEYOND. ALL. HELP!" the normally calm doctor just suddenly shrieked at the top of his lungs, causing the room to quake violently, glass to break, Pinhead to run and hide in fear from him and for Chatterbeast to howl like a werewolf. Then his face turned to complete calm as he smiled and said; "I'm going for a walk."

Without another word, the doctor turned and floated calmly from the room - leaving behind a bunch of dumbstruck Cenobites and a pregnant human female in his wake as he slammed the door...

* * *

Channard floated all the way to the deepest part of the Labyrinth, a place where all the lost souls, who all had no idea who they were or where they were so there was no point in torturing them as they could not suffer, were kept. Taking a deep breath, balling his fists and scrunching his face up like he had constipation - the doctor let out a huge screeching cry to release all of his pent up aggression and frustration over the past day. It was so loud that the decaying walls began to crumble, dust fell and sprinkled him like a snow fall, and the zombie-type lost souls began to howl and cry along with him.

Really, he honestly believed he would have cured the main Gash members by now, or gotten to the bottom of what was wrong with them and how it started. He was always a good psychiatrist, well - in his head he was. Surely these random problems were not at all in any way incurable? Surely he'd find a way to break whatever it was that was keeping them like that. Would he? At this point, it was beginning to appear so impossible, and he despaired. He would probably be fired before the day was out. Then what was he to do? Be tortured for the rest of his existence all because Xipe Totec and his Gash refused, or maybe couldn't remember what happened to them during their last mission.

Urgh, this was terrible!

There had to be an answer and an explanation to all of this!

Just as Channard was repeatedly bashing his head against the stone walls in frustration, the door was heard to creak open and he saw a figure from the corner of his eye.

"Ooh, that looks painful..." said the voice, a distinctly female sounding voice. "Are you trying to rid of your tumor?" she went on.

Channard angrily whirled round. "IT'S NOT A TUM-"

It was at that pacific moment the good (ha) doctor laid his eyes upon the most beautiful women in the world...well, the SECOND most beautiful women in the world - after Evelyn, Pinhead's sister. And boy she was beautiful no words could describe it.

Long, waist length coal dark hair, azure eyes, full pouting ruby red lips and a body with more curves than an hour glass. She wore a Gothic black dress which hugged tightly to her figure, and had with her a big red book under her arm. Channard was completely lost for words, her beauty had left him dumbstruck.

Clearing his throat, Channard finally was able to say something. "Who...are you?" Well, least it wasn't stupid like; _'I got a boo-boo when I was banging my head against the wall'._

The lady held out her hand for him to take and kiss. "My name is Cassandra, but you may call me Cassie." she purred.

Channard slowly took her hand and brought it to his lips tenderly. "Cassandra." he murmured. "Nice name. So, erm...what are you doing here? I've never seen you here before?"

Cassandra released her hand from Channard's grip and shrank away, taking in the sights around her and with Channard watching her every move, almost drooling at the sight of her. "I do believe I have finally unlocked the Lament Configuration without ever opening the box." she told him.

"Oh?" Channard folded his arms. "And just how did you do that?"

"I never tell my secrets." the woman answered. "Though I will tell you I'm studying the LeMarchand's box and I knew I just had to take a look at the Lament for myself, without summoning the main Gash members of course..." She took a breath before continuing, smiling cheekily. "How are they by the way? I'd hate to think my little spell didn't do too much harm." she said with a light giggle.

"Little spell?" Channard said with a raised eyebrow, before placing his finger to his chin and tapping it as if in thought. "Hmmm..."

Cassandra sighed, and pulled out a mirror, beginning to reapply her lipstick, waiting to see if the doctor Cenobite would cotton on.

It took a whole five seconds for Channard to realise, and when he did, he gasped and pointed to the woman who was now sharpening her nails with a look of indifference across her face. "You...you...you...you...it was _YOU!_?" Channard gasped.

"Yep."

"The reason five members of the Order of the Gash are not themselves!?"

"You betcha. One hundred per cent all me."

"Why did you do it? What are you?"

"One, I did it for fun and two, I'm an amateur Witch. There's nothing I love more than to spread mischief and fun with my spells."

Channard gawped at her for what seemed the longest time. So THIS was who and what caused the month long problems within the Labyrinth? The over sensitive Xipe Totec, the shrinking Butterball, the nursery rhyme loving Nikoletta, the over protective Chatterer, the deadly feminist Angelique? Seriously, this one innocent appearing woman was responsible for it all? "What...what...why did you DO that to them!?" Channard inquired.

Cassandra smiled cheekily once more. "You really wanna know?" she said teasingly.

"Yes! I do! Please tell me!" Channard answered, looking almost desperate.

Cassandra sighed, smiling kindly to Channard. Just when the doctor believed she would open up and tell him she punched him playfully in the shoulder and began to shrink away from him. "Well, I've enjoyed my visit, now I'll be going now. See ya." she said, walking away and leaving Channard dumbstruck, confused and a little frustrated.

"HEY! Where are you going?" Channard shouted. "Don't just waltz off like that! Come back here! I want to know what you did to them, and how I can reverse the spell!"

Cassandra chuckled. "Now now dear man with tumor..."

"IT'S NOT A TUMOR!"

The witch sighed. "I can't just TELL you how to reverse the spell. You really must work it out for yourself. That way, it'll be more fun."

If Channard had an ounce of hair on his head, he'd be pulling at it. Oh well, still had that long tentacle thing upon it. He could tug at that. "Look, listen, madam...:" he grumbled. "...at least TELL me why you specifically made them the way they are. Why make Xipe Totec an over sensitive cry baby...?"

"Is Xipe Totec the one with the pins?" the witch inquired.

"Yes. He's the Leader of the Gash, and Leviathan's favoured son."

The Witch smiled. "Ah, yes. The same one. He was very cute, I thought - but man did he need to loosen up. He was such a stiff when he and his Gash came to me. I just thought I'd have a little fun. He needed to get in touch with his inner child. And he needed to be more emphatic. Guess I overdid it."

"And what of the others? Why specifically are they randomly the way they are right now?" Channard demanded.

Cassandra giggled. "Oh, but don't you see - I chanted a spell that would make the the opposite of what they were..."

"Uhhh, but what about Chatterer?" Channard pointed out. "He's quite protective normally anyway, nothing's changed for him - except he's a hundred times more protective than what he already is."

"Oh." the Witch murmured. "Well, guess I must have heightened his over protective nature. Anyways, as for the others...Xipe Totec, well - he's so strong so fearless - so noble to his cause. So...oooh...dreamy...hmmm..."

Channard clicked his finger's in the witch's face when he saw how she was descending into a dreamy state over Pinhead. "Madam, Cassandra, Cassie..."

Cassandra did just that, and was seemingly disappointed by whose company she was in. "Oh, right...you. Anyways, back to your Gash friends. Xipe Totec, you say he has turned all sensitive?"

Channard sighed heavily, and just on cue all could be heard was a high pitched cry from a familiar voice. Oh yeah, Pinhead was upset about something...AGAIN! "Does that answer your question?" he asked.

"Ooh, I see. So, well... what about your female Cenobite, the one with the open throat, she seemed to me to be someone deep down who was very maternal and gentle. What happened to her?"

Channard's mouth formed an 'O'. "Well..."

 _"THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT TO MARKET, THIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED HOME, THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD ROAST BEEF AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY HAD NONE! AAAAAND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT...WEEEE WEEEEE WEEEE WEEEEE WEEEEEE...ALL THE WAY HOME!"_

The witch and Channard turned to see Nikoletta reciting _This Little Piggy_ to no other than Frank Cotton, who was far from amused and loving the rhyme. In fact, he found it to be very torturous and was trying to get away from the insane Cenobite woman who was busy chasing him and trying to tickle him.

"Heh..." the witch laughed nervously.

"And I'm not even going to go into what has happened to Butterball and Angelique!" Channard scoffed.

"Aw, come on. It was only a little bit of fun...you know, spread some cheer..."

"Oh right, cheer? Madam, while you decided to 'spread a little cheer' it caused many problems within the Labyrinth. Xipe is crying over the least thing, and scared stiff of his own shadow. No one in the Labyrinth fears him any more and there are riots and prisoners taking advantage of the situation. Xipe's human girlfriend is pregnant, and she's not at all happy that the father of her baby is a baby himself. And Butterball is practically a living skeleton! Look, this has got to stop! Please, before there is any more trouble."

"Hmmm...ok." Cassandra smiled, patting his head. "I'll help you...only because you amuse me with your weird looking tumor..."

"IT IS NOT A TUM-"

"SSSSHHH!" Cassandra interrupted him. "Now listen...the only way to cure them of their problems is to..."

Channard waited in anticipation, leaning closer to the witch who was taking her time in revealing her remedy for the situation. "Yes?"

"You...must...OOH...look...a floaty diamond!" Cassandra cooed when she saw Leviathan, making Channard face palm.

"CASSANDRA!? Please, the remedy?" Channard shouted.

"Oh yes. Right...you must... _kiss_ them! And on the lips. Ha ha." Cassandra chuckled.

"WHAT?! NO!" Channard yelled, crossing his arms. "NOT A CHANCE!"

"Aw, c'mon!" the witch whined. "I thought you wanted to cure them!"

Channard turned to look at her. "There is no way in HELL I'm going to KISS Xipe Totec and his Gash! I'm straight, and I value my treasured body parts!"

"Coward!" Cassandra muttered.

Channard whirled on her angrily. "I heard that!"

"From what? Your tumor!?" the witch giggled.

"IT'S NOT A...will you cease in this insanity!? This is serious! I can't go near any of them!"

Cassandra sighed. "Fine! You only have to kiss one of them! One of the girls, perhaps."

"Ok, where to start?" Channard grumbled. "Princess Angelique is a female activist who has an easily angered army of females ready to pounce and attack at signs of pervertedness...better yet, kissing!"

"And the other girl?" Cassandra inquired.

"Nikoletta? Madam! Do you even KNOW how psychopathic her little bodyguard lover is?! DO YOU?! He pummels anyone who so much as LOOKS at her!" Channard rubbed his sore head. "I should know!"

The witch chuckled. "Ah relax! I couldn't have made it that bad..."

Just that second, there was the sounds of frantic running and heart rending screams, and Pistonhead came hobbling past Channard and the witch, trying to escape the wrath of an angry Chatterer who was hot on his tail and charging after him, for guess what? Our piston headed friend barely noticed the hot witch as he was too damned desperate to save himself.

"I ONLY LOOKED AT HER MAN! JUST LOOKED!" Pistonhead cried as he was knocked down and grabbed from behind by Chatterer. The over protective consort of Nikoletta grabbed Pistonhead's feet and dragged him along the floor, while he clawed viciously at the ground, trying to prevent being taken. "No! No! No! I SAID I WAS SORRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE!" The two disappeared into the darkness and then came the heart rending sounds of several screams and the obvious thumps and bangs of violent beating.

Cassandra's mouth formed an 'O' as she watched the spectacle, and saw how Channard had a look written across his face which yelled; _'I told you so!'_

"Ah. Wow. You're screwed..." the witch giggled.

Channard's eyes narrowed. "STOP LYING AND JUST TELL THE TRUTH ALREADY!"

"Ok, I'll tell you." the witch sighed. "But please, come closer. "

"What? Why? "

"Just...come here...it's a secret..."

Channard, like the idiot he was, leaned in and allowed the witch to whisper something in his ear.

 _"A zangi zanna... "_ What started as a light whisper turned into a yell. _"...SQUASH BANANA..."_ she suddenly shouted into his ear.

"What the HELL woman!" Channard groaned, rubbing his sore ear. "Are you insane!? What does that mean anyways?"

"It means that you are a buffoon, and I'm not!" Cassandra fell into a fit of giggles, but Channard was less than impressed.

Face palming, he suddenly snapped. "URGH! Look, my dear, just stop fooling around and tell me how I can break the spell already!"

"Oh ok, if you insist." She took a breath. "You must chant out to each of them.. _.IMAH...WEINER."_

Channard raised an eyebrow. _"I'm...a...Weiner?"_

"You said it!" Cassandra laughed.

Channard realised what he had just said, and balled his fists in aggravation, attempting his utmost NOT to bite down hard on his knuckles. "GRRRRR! Look! Woman! Just please, I'm begging you, just give me SOMETHING that would be a little help! Please! I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" Cassandra repeated.

"Yes, anything! Just PLEASE! Make it STOP!"

The witch smiled. "Ok then, since you ask so nicely. Well, the spell is quite the simple one to break. All it needs is for the Cenobites to see themselves for what they really are...a wake up call if you will. That's all I will tell you."

Channard once again wrinkled his brow in concentration. "A wake up call?"

"Or maybe a little reversed psychology." she hinted.

Channard hummed. "Well, it's not a lot of info, but...I'll try. Thank you." He began to walk away.

"AH AH AH! Not so fast!"

"What now?"

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Cassandra purred.

Channard placed a finger to his mouth in thought. Forgetting something? Like what? He felt his head and hands, the tentacles was still there. Turning back to the witch, he shrugged his shoulders.

Cassandra sighed and slapped her forehead. "You said you'd do ANYTHING. Didn't you?"

It took a minute, but Channard finally realised that seeking help from this strangely hot looking witch came with a price. "Oh."

 ** _To Be Continued..._**

* * *

 _Hope you all enjoyed! I'm certainly enjoying revisiting this crazy-ass fic. XD Remember, this is parody world and not to be taken as seriously as my other fics. So, disclaimers - Cassandra is my OC, as you can probably guess. Take it from me, she's a riot to write for! She's incredibly insane, but also so intelligent. She will have a bigger part to play in the sequel to this story (which I've written a lot for in script dialogue), and for what I can tell you not only will she be more insane than ever, but she has a sort of...connection to one of the main already established HR characters. ;) And remember Evelyn, the aforementioned sister of Pinhead/Elliot? Well, keep her in mind also. She doesn't appear in this fic, but will in the sequel. She's also another OC. Well, hope you enjoyed and keep your eyes peeled for more updates! Cheers!_


	7. Insert Groan Here

_Well, we're halfway through this insane story, and I'm having a fantastic time going over it all again. Will Channard find a way to cure the Gash? Or will they be stuck like this forever? Please enjoy, and pretty please review? Cheers!_

* * *

Chapter Seven - Insert Groan Here

"Ok, so you've used my tentacle to slide down like a fireman's pole, and you also used it to hang your washing on to dry. You've managed to get a Wi-Fi connection out of Leviathan for your laptop, not to mention scaring the almighty life out of Him by jumping on Him and calling Him a beautiful rare diamond. I swear, we'll never get those lipstick marks off of Him! You went on a date with Frank Cotton, as well as Trevor Gooden. I believe they're still fighting over you back there. You took photos of me for your annual witch's show and tell. And NOW, I trust you require no more of me for today?"

Channard was not in the best of moods, for since the past hour he has done nothing but try and appease Cassandra the Witch's demands in exchange for helping to break the spell over the main Gash members. Really, the woman was impossible - like that of an excited child giddy on Christmas morning. She really had tried his patience, especially when after scaring the hell out of Leviathan, the diamond God seemed to put the blame on him - saying that he should keep his crazy mental patients in check and not let them run amok in the Labyrinth. Things were bad enough as it was. Luckily, Leviathan didn't find out who this hot but crazy lady was. If so, then she would have been torn to shreds before now, for all the trouble she caused with His son and the Gash.

"Hmmm..." Cassandra mused, placing a finger to her chin and scratching it ever so delicately as she thought about what else she would like from this funny looking fellow with the tumor head. "I believe I would like-"

"No more!" Channard interrupted, grabbing her arm and dragging her all the way to the Gates of Hell. "You've took enough of my time as it is. I must get back to my patients. You remember them? You put the spell on them! I must break that spell and soon or I'll be fired!"

Cassandra chuckled wryly, placing a hand to his arm to appease him. "Very well doctor, calm down. I shall leave. But first, I wish to tell you something else, concerning the-"

"Oh no! You think I'm gonna let you scream the banana song in my ear again? No thank you!" Channard calmed himself before carrying on. "You must leave. You have what you need. I must get the Gash cured, and you best not be here when they go back to normal...and it's best if your weren't here now to be honest...not around Kirsty..."

"Oh, please, can I just come to observe? I'll be good. Why can't I come?" Cassandra whined.

"Because Xipe's girlfriend is crazy at the best of times, and now she's pregnant she's even worse. She will most likely tear you limb from limb for the spell you put over her boyfriend." Channard told her, dragging her along with him again.

"Oh." Cassandra sighed. "Well, can I at least have a kiss from you, fine... _handsome._..doctor?" she purred, puckering her lips in his direction and fluttering her eyelashes.

The Cenobite doctor actually found himself flushing, his pale cheeks turning a slight red at the thought of kissing this stunning woman. This was rather sudden. Should he remain on guard, just in case it was another cruel prank? Pssh, nah! Lowering himself down to her level, Channard stuttered and fluttered his eyelashes shyly. "Well...I...uh...yeah...um...a kiss would be...erm...splendid..." he gushed.

Cassandra smiled seductively, and moved closer - her lips almost meeting his when all of a sudden she blew a raspberry in his face, then pressed a finger to the tip of his nose and made a _**HONK**_ sound before she leapt back and giggled hysterically.

Channard was confused at first, but not for long. The doctor growled and narrowed his eyes at her. "That wasn't funny!" he spat, then he began to sniffle. "I have feelings you know!"

"Oh don't you start joining in with sobbing along with that pinned hottie cutie-pie leader of yours." Cassandra giggled, punching him playfully on the arm.

"Will you please LEAVE!" Channard shouted finally, pointing toward the Gates of Hell furiously. "And don't ever come back if you value your life!" he added.

Channard's little outburst didn't seem to affect the crazy witch, and she smiled and handed over to him a bottle of lotion, or was it cream?

"Here, just to show there are no hard feelings. Rub this onto your tumor, it should take the swelling down nicely." she told him.

Channard found himself staring to the bottle in his hand very intently. He was breathing heavily, his eyes were narrowing dangerously and it appeared that any time time soon steam was going to blow out of his ears. Throwing the bottle to the ground in a vicious temper tantrum and stamped all over it, he finally exploded. "IT'S...NOT...A...TUMOR!" he screamed, shaking the very boundaries of Hell itself, while the witch giggled.

"If ya say so. Well, I best be off then shall I?" she announced, relief finally coming to Channard.

 _Thank you, God!_ he thought to himself, looking up at the ceiling and clasping his hands together.

"A moment's grace to you, till we meet again." she purred, leaning up and kissing Channard on the cheek, surprising him.

As he lifted his hand and touched his cheek, the witch suddenly threw something to the floor as she cackled and shouted, "SO LONG, DOCTOR CHANDELIER!", and a puff of thick steam randomly shot up from the item she had thrown to the floor and engulfed her - masking her entirely, while she laughed somewhat evilly, like a crazy villain from those Sci-Fi fantasy movies.

But when the smoke cleared, she was still stood there and laughing to herself like the crazy woman she had proven herself to be. Channard cleared his throat impatiently to catch her attention, and she finally ceased in her sinister laughter and hung her head in embarrassment.

"All right! I'm going!" she sighed, turning around and sloping off. But she stopped half way. "But before I go, can you please tell me when the next bus here is due?" she asked the doctor earnestly. Though really, she was attempting to troll him.

Channard just stood there, staring at her as if she had just worked out what the answer to 1+1 was.

"Huh?"

* * *

It took a while, but Channard had finally managed to shoo Cassandra away before he actually blew up and slaughtered her. They parted on quite good terms considering the unnecessary madness she put him through, and he had practically urged her to seek medical help too.

But right now, he couldn't think about her. His main priority was the out of control Gash members, whom he has just realised was left all alone in his office for the past two hours. He gulped hard, thinking of the possible damage his office/chamber could have suffered in his absence as he neared the door. As suspected, there came the noise of a loud girly shriek popping his ear drums. Now either one of the girls sat on a discarded pin from Xipe's head, or the guy himself was wailing again?

Wanna take a wild guess?

Oh yeah; there when Channard opened the door, was Pinhead - the tears streaming down his face and practically forming a puddle around him as he cried for his love's new condition, while Channard sighed and the others face palmed.

"Oh a child! Kirsty's having a child! _My_ child! Oh dear Leviathan!" Pinhead wailed, while the woman he had knocked up was sat there in the big comfy doctor's chair, an almost blank expression written across her face like she had heard it all before. "Imagine the horror of childbirth she must endure! Oh Kirsty I'M SO SO SO SO SO SOOOOOORRRRRY!" he cried again, burying his face into his hands and soaking them.

Kirsty sighed calmly and her eyes had now glazed over. It was as if she had become numb all over. "I don't know how much more I can take of this." she muttered. "Still, least the baby won't be born for another eight months, and by then Pinny Poo will be back to normal." she added hopefully, unknowing of the sudden swelling of her stomach.

Channard was the first to notice this unusual and shocking sight. His eyes widened as her stomach grew larger by the second, and without her knowledge either. She was too preoccupied in listening to her boyfriend whine. "Uh Kirsty?" Channard piped up, still staring hard at her stomach.

Kirsty in the meanwhile was not in the mood, and she face-palmed. "Channard, if this is one of your lame medical quotes, I'm not interested!" she snapped.

"Kirsty, this is really important!" The doctor was now half frantic, viciously pointing to her her shirt inching up over her growing baby bump. By now, everyone had noticed and were all rising from their seats, staring hard at her abdomen and gasping.

She groaned when she felt a sharp and sudden jolt in her stomach, and she hissed through her teeth, believing it to be just your normal average indigestion, but in reality it was the baby kicking. And what a kicker he/she was!

"YES! Yes. You can be my baby's Godfather already!" Kirsty grunted through the kicks, saying the first thing that came into her head. There was NO way in HELL she'd let an idiot like Channard be a God Parent for her baby. She sighed briefly before continuing. "Now will you please-"

"No Kirsty, it's not that! Look!" Again, the doctor pointed directly to her stomach, and was relieved when Kirsty finally took notice.

Kirsty groaned, looked down and screamed blue murder at the sight of her now huge baby belly. In the meanwhile, Dreamer punched Pistonhead across the chops for gawking and drooling at the swollen breasts pushing through Kirsty's tight shirt.

"OH MY LEVIATHAN! YOU'VE GOT AN ALIEN XENOMORPH INSIDE OF YOU! OOOH!" Pinhead cried, totally missing the point entirely that the baby was rapidly growing, before he then fainted at the sight.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? Great job fainting on me!" Kirsty screeched, doubling over in pain. "Sheesh! I told him NEVER to watch those Alien films!" she muttered under her breath.

She turned to look at Channard, hoping for some medical attention, seeing as she was most likely ready to pop the baby out, when he looked like he was going to hit the deck too with his woozy face. "Oooh!" he groaned.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT FAINTING ON ME!" the expectant mother screamed, pointing a finger directly at him.

Channard at once straightened himself up and cleared his throat, regaining his professionalism and finally coming to Kirsty's side. "Erm, yes - sorry." he stammered, helping Kirsty to sit down.

Whilst Channard and his patient remained calm, the others however had gone into panic meltdown, while some were smacking Pinhead across the face in order to wake him up.

"How could this be!?" Butterball shouted. "You're only a month pregnant! A month! A month! A MONTH!" he repeated frantically, literally in poor Kirsty's face.

Kirsty sighed. "Yeah, I get that already! There's no need to fucking scream in my face! Will you just ssshhh! I'm trying to think here!" she shouted back.

Pinhead in the meantime had finally woken up, and was now lifting himself from the floor. "Kirsty! I had the most horrible dream! You were pregnant, and then you looked set to- DEAR LEVIATHAN IT'S ALL TRUE!" he screamed.

Kirsty rolled her eyes. "DON'T YOU DARE START BAWLING, PINNY! !" she growled, giving him the evil eye, and making Pinhead's lip quiver.

"Well this IS what you wanted." Channard muttered under his breath, his hand moving around her abdomen to check how far along she now was. His eyes widened at the size of her baby.

"SHADDAP!" the pregnant Cotton girl screeched. "I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! I DIDN'T ASK FOR THE BABY TO JUST FUCKING GROW SO QUICKLY!" she started sobbing. "I'VE GOT TWO GOD-DAMN BABIES TO LOOK AFTER NOW!"

Dreamer's eyebrow popped up. "Two babies?"

Kirsty grinned in mock. "Yeah, TWO babies! This one..." She rubbed her swollen pregnant belly. "...and THAT one!" she growled, pointing to Pinhead.

"Oh all that awful pain! NOOOOOO!" Pinhead screamed like a little girl on cue. "Why did it have to be my Kirsty?! Why...Why!" The guy then fainted once again, much to the chagrin of Kirsty and Channard.

"SEE!" Kirsty shrieked to Dreamer, pointing to the unconscious father of her baby.

"What a crybaby..." Butterball muttered to himself.

Kirsty in the meanwhile was too mad at Pinhead to notice. "I'M. GONNA. FUCKING. KILL. YOU, PINHEAD! DON'T THINK I...OW!"

"Ow?" Channard repeated.

"Ow?" Dreamer followed on with that.

"Ow? That's not a nursery rhyme." Nikoletta pouted.

 _ **CHAT!?**_ Translation from Chatterer; "Ow?"

"Uuuh...Ow?" Butterball shrugged, deciding to join in as well.

Pistonhead suddenly laughed out loud through the uncertainty and pointed at Kirsty. "Hehe, Kirsty - I know Pinny boy has just pissed you off so badly, but seriously! Did you have to ACTUALLY PISS yourself?" he snickered, pointing to a wet puddle at Kirsty's feet, and rather seriously risking the possibility of another vicious beating.

Kirsty was beaten to it by Dreamer, who slapped Pistonhead upside on the head. "Pisty you dumbass!" she yelled. "She's not pissed herself! Her waters have just broke!" A whole second passed by as the dreaming Cenobite stopped to actually think about it, and her eyes suddenly widened as she realised what it did really mean. She then shot out of her chair. "OH DEAR LEVIATHAN! HER WATERS HAVE JUST BROKE!" she yelled, flying into panic mode and spreading it along the others.

Channard was the only one to keep a cool head during the all the madness and he gently placed a hand to Kirsty's shoulder while she screamed like there was no tomorrow.

"AAAHHHHH! THE BABY'S COMING! I'M SO NOT READY FOR THIS YET! " she cried. Sweat was now pouring from her and her hair was damp, sticking messily to her neck and cheeks.

Channard bestowed her a soothing smile and grabbed both her shoulders, forcing her to lay down. "Stay calm, my dear. The doc-"

"DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY IT OR I'LL KILL YOU!" Kirsty shouted into his face, the force of her powerful, pain filled voice ringing his ears and smashing nearby windows.

Channard closed his mouth and cowered in fear from the screeching, crazy pregnant woman. "Yes, ma'am." He murmured with his head bowed low.

Pistonhead was in too much shock to speak. This was his ultimate nightmare, just to imagine Dreamer becoming pregnant with his child and having it quickly. He went all woozy at the thought. "What the? ! How did...ooooh!" He quickly fainted on the spot, falling at Dreamer's feet, who face palmed.

"Oh yeah GREAT Pisty! Just faint why don't ya! What are ya gonna be like at the birth of our child?!" she screeched at her unconscious boyfriend. Realistically, her lecture was pointless.

"AHHHH! HOLY SHIT! I THINK I JUST ENTERED LABOUR!" Kirsty cried, grabbing her bulging stomach for support.

"HOW IS THAT POS-OOOOH!" Butterball groaned before he too fainted, much to Channard's bemusement.

"I can understand Xipe's dilemma, but why did Butterball and Pistonhead just faint?" the doctor questioned, pointing to the two unconscious male Cenobites.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Kirsty grunted. "BUTTERBALL'S GOTTA BE UNDER FIFTY POUNDS BY NOW! AND PISTONHEAD IS AN IDIOT! LOOK, I DON'T CARE! JUST...AHHHHHH! DO SOMETHING YOU IDIOT OF A DOCTOR! ARRRGGH!"

Chatterer was sat quietly in the corner with his love, gawking to the madness of the upcoming birth while shielding Nikoletta at the same time. This was rather distressing for him, never-mind Nikoletta!

"If that's what happens with just a human and a Cenobite baby, I don't even want to KNOW what would happen if two Cenobites try having one - though, I am very tempted." the former nun mused, looking up to Chatterer with big pleading eyes. If he had eyes, they'd be certainly widening in his head at what she had just proposed. "Ooh how cute it would be for a baby with my eyes, and your...ah screw it! We are SO waiting a while...which means I get to keep my nursery rhyme book all to myself. Yay!" Boy was that a relief to Chatterer, who wiped his sweaty brow.

Meanwhile, the madness of the impending birth was still afoot, nothing but screaming and cursing and screeching and more screaming. Kirsty was impatient for Channard's care, whilst he was attending to the currently unconscious father to be.

"Channard!" Kirsty screeched, her face red and sweaty.

"Xipe!" Channard yelled, shaking Pinhead viciously.

"Mama?" Pinhead groaned woozily while waking up.

Channard rolled his eyes and groaned. "Xipe, wake up! Kirsty has entered labour. I need you to STAY CALM and answer the following!"

Pinhead, with Channard's help, rose off the floor and finally managed to stay standing. He nodded slowly while tears still fall from his eyes.

"One, can you stand?" Channard asked.

Pinhead shrugged. "Well that's obviously what I'm doing!" he answered warily.

Channard nodded and smiled. "Two, is you sister single?"

Pinhead's brow knotted at the question. "Evelyn?" he queried confusedly. "My younger sister from when I was human who is now NINETY THREE years old? ! ...I honestly cannot recall and- wait a minute! What does this have to do with Kirsty!? My love is in pain! Because of...of..." He began to sniffle once again. "...ME!"

Channard sighed. "I'll take that as a somewhat yes..."

"DOCTOR CHANNARD!" Kirsty screamed like a wild woman, looking much redder and sweatier by the minute. Her stomach was now bulging, making Channard rather queasy at the sight.

Then after much silence, Angelique shot up from her seat and pointed to the currently in labour Cotton woman. "SEE! This is so perverse and sexist!" she snarled, glaring at Pinhead. "Us females are ALWAYS placed with the expectations and responsibility of having to bear children, while the men sit back and do nothing! And..." She proceeded to babble on about female rights. Everyone just basically ignored her and left her to it.

Butterball was now, after what appeared to be a very long time, wake up from his fainting spell. "What happened?" he croaked.

"AAAAAAAHHHHH! ! !" Kirsty screamed furiously, her legs now wide open and giving the once obese Cenobite a nice little view of her dilated woman part and a little tiny head poking through.

"Oooh..." Butterball fainted once again.

Channard too got the shock of his life when he too saw the top of the little one's head just poking through its mother's private area, only he did not faint. Thank goodness. Instead, he grabbed its father Pinhead forcibly by the shoulders and shook him. "Xipe, I need your help, because for one this is your child and for two, your girlfriend is insane!" he shouted in his face.

Pinhead looked to the doctor in shock and began to blubber. "THAT'S SO RUDE!" he squealed, tearing up at that very moment, while his heavy with child girlfriend who was pushing out said child at that very moment, screeched in fury and tossed the nearest object to hand at Channard's head - which was a bucket of her puke from earlier in the day.

Channard grimaced at the sight while everyone else _'oooohed'._ Even Pinhead did so.

"DOCTOR CHANNARD! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW AND HELP DELIVER MY BABY!" she yelled. "AND ONCE YOU DO DELIVER IT, YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD FOR THAT COMMENT!"

Channard gulped, fearing the worst. He was instantly regretting making that comment, especially when she was so charged up with adrenaline and was fuelled for even committing a murder. With a slight sigh, the doctor had no choice but to near the crazy Cotton woman and lift her skirt, almost fainting when he sees the little tyke's head is now practically out of her. The baby was frowning and grizzling.

 _'Heh, good luck, child.'_ Channard thought.

"Uh, what do I do?" Pinhead whimpered.

"DANCE THE CAN-CAN! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO, YOU IDIOT!" Kirsty screeched at him sarcastically. "FUCKIN HOLD MY HAND AND COMFORT ME!"

Pinhead swallowed hard and shakily took his girlfriend's hand, while she snatched it and began to squeeze as the pain overwhelmed her. It was ironic, since the past month he has been crushing her to death, now it was her turn to crush him to a pulp.

Pinhead winced, Kirsty screamed some more, and everyone began to gather round Channard who was now crouched in front of Kirsty's womanly parts, one towel in hand ready for the baby to be wrapped in. Every now and again he would mutter words of encouragement to the hot and panting Kirsty.

"Oooow, Kirsty, this really hurts." Pinhead cried at the pain in his hand, while his girlfriend lifted her weak sweat drenched head and looked up to him, completely unimpressed - so was everyone else for that matter. Even Pistonhead!

"Are you FUCKIN kidding me!?" Kirsty screeched once again, not giving Pinhead a chance to explain just as her body urged her to really, really push hard.

There was an audible, loud squelching noise and the sound of a tiny cough filling the now empty silence in the room, as everyone was in suspense for the arrival of the newest little one.

Kirsty fell back completely exhausted, while Pinhead fainted once again - just as their new screaming child was held up before them by the oddly proud Channard.

"It's a...oooh!" Channard groaned.

"Oooooh?" Butterball said.

"Oooooh?" Nikoletta followed suit.

 _ **CHAT CHAT?**_. Translation from Chatterer; "Ooooh?"

"Oooooh?" Dreamer murmured.

"It's a _'oooh'_? What the fuck kinda gender is that?" Pistonhead laughed, while Dreamer rushed forward to grab the tiny baby in time before the queasy and woozy Channard crashed to the floor in a long overdue fainting spell...making the new mother slap her forehead.

"Juuuuuust great!" Kirsty muttered angrily...

 ** _To Be Continued..._**


	8. A Cute Little Bundle of Trouble

Chapter Eight - A Cute Little Bundle of Trouble

The bond between a mother and her baby. Is there anything more beautiful than that? No, absolutely not. Well...maybe a naked Pinhead, or HR9 Fakey Pinhead being blown into teeny tiny pieces, or Channard being beaten up by the original Ceno-team that are Pinhead, Butterball, Chatterer and Nikoletta for a well earned overdue revenge, a steamy Pinsty lemon scene, and maybe...ah ENOUGH!

The bond between a mother and her baby is the most beautiful, tear inducing moment in the world - end of story!

And right now, this particular moment - one particular new mother, the one and only Kirsty Cotton was attempting to bond with her newly born baby, and I say attempting since said baby was still in the arms of a certain dreaming Cenobite, had been for the past minute or so while Kirsty sat with her arms folded and waiting for a gooey eyed Dreamer cooing over the tiny one to finally hand it over so they could start bonding already!

Not to mention, there was still the little matter of...the sex of the currently fidgeting bundle of gurgling joy. Since Channard rather weirdly passed out whilst in the middle of confirming whether it was a boy or girl - a son or daughter. Silly Channard.

Also, what did it look like?

Kirsty had no idea, and by the looks of it - it would seem she wouldn't find out any time soon, for the little tyke was still within the arms of Dreamer, who was currently gudgy gudgy gooing it, sighing and making weird funny faces to it. Everyone else had gathered round too, circling Dreamer and staring down to the heavily wrapped up infant. To Kirsty's despair, they had all too gone baby bye byes.

With a sigh, Kirsty eased herself up on the bed and cleared her throat. Folding her arms, she glared over to the cooing Cenobites and muttered; "Oh, you can all hold the baby before its mother does for as long as you want by the way. Don't mind me." she added a hint of sarcasm, hoping they'd all take the hint.

Would they?

"Oh, thanks, Kirsty." Dreamer gushed before turning back and cooing over the baby, as did everyone else. Though, there was a little trouble in paradise, for Pistonhead and Butterball had gotten into a fierce argument over who out of Pinhead and Kirsty the tiny infant looked like the most.

"No, it looks like PINHEAD!" Butterball huffed, folding his scrawny and bony arms.

"NO, it DEFINITELY looks like Kirsty!" Pistonhead yelled back, folding his arms.

"Nuh uh! Definitely PINHEAD! It's got the same nose and even frowny face!"

"Nuh uh! KIRSTY! The same ol sweet cheeks!"

"No, PINHEAD!"

"NO, Kirsty!"

"PINHEAD!"

"KIRSTY!"

"PINHEAD!"

"KIRSTY!"

'' '' ''

'' '' ''

'' '' ''

 _"I believe it looks like Frank!"_

Everyone turned and glared at Leviathan, even the currently bickering Butterball and Pistonhead, who had just floated into the room rather suddenly and without warning. (WTF) Well, it was His grandchild that had just been born, He had a right to visit. But...that comment was going way too far. Kirsty looked dead set on turning the almighty lord and ruler of the Labyrinth into a flashy engagement ring and pawning Him to the nearest Jeweller.

"Dude...!" Pistonhead gasped, gawking and shaking his head in disgust at the floating behemoth, while Butterball tutted.

"Disgraceful." Butterball finally murmured.

Leviathan didn't have eyes to show such emotions, or a head to hang low in shame, but everyone could see how embarrassed and ashamed He had gotten over the comment. _"S-sorry my dear. What...what...I meant t-to say was-"_

"Get. Him. Out. Of. _HERE_!" Kirsty growled dangerously.

Everyone at once bustled the floating diamond out of the room before He could sink Himself into a deeper hole, and rather risk a terrible finger wearing fate.

Kirsty was still looking set at bursting over that little outrage, it would seem that Butterball and Pistonhead had come to a truce.

"Man, was that awkward." Pistonhead snickered.

"Yes. How could that cute little baby look like that moron Frank?" Butterball agreed.

"Yeah, cos it obviously looks like Kirsty."

Butterball turned and glared at our pistonheaded friend, while everyone else groaned. "No, the baby can't look like Frank, because it obviously has Pinhead's features."

"Nuh uh! It's a ringer for Kirsty!" Pistonhead shot back, getting into Butterball's face.

"NO! Pinhead!"

"No, KIRSTY!"

"PINHEAD!"

"KIRSTY!"

"PINHEAD!"

"KIRSTY!"

This time, their little disagreement had turned physical, and it started with little girly slaps and kicks until the two male Cenobites had pulled one another down onto the floor. It looked like one of those cartoons where two characters were fighting and they'd be surrounded by nothing but thick dusty clouds and fists flying out every now and again as they rolled around. But the others were too preoccupied in cooing over the baby.

Meanwhile, as Pistonhead and Butterball continued to roll around beating each other up on the floor, and Dreamer still continued to hog the baby, Kirsty face-palmed and huffed audibly. "You know, that's the cue for actually handing the baby to me, Dreamer!" Kirsty spat, a little more forceful than the last time. "I did just give birth to it just a few minutes ago."

Dreamer's mouth formed an 'O' and she suddenly realised she'd pushed her luck there. And she'd forgotten herself, lost herself in the sudden baby fever that had overtook her. Hmm, I'd watch it if I were you, Pisty boy!

"Oh, Hell I'm sorry Kirsty. I didn't mean to, I mean it's just so cute!" Dreamer gushed again as she neared the excited new mother who was heavily anticipating holding her child and bonding with it for the first time. As her arms outstretched for the baby to be welcomed into, Dreamer forgot herself once again and began to drown in the button nosed features of the newest member of the Labyrinth. "So so cute!"

"DREAMER! MY BABY, PLEASE!" Kirsty shouted, waving a hand to get her attention.

"Oh, yeah...heh. Sorry." Dreamer giggled nervously, hanging her head low as she finally handed the baby over to its rightful mother. "You got such an adorable baby there, Kirsty." she added, trying to hold back tears. "I WANT ONE!"

Luckily, Pistonhead was still scrapping with Butterball to hear Dreamer's announcement.

Kirsty, meanwhile, held her little one close to her chest, gazing to the tiny child with all the love she felt for it swelling her heart. It was truly beautiful, with a thick swath of dark hair upon its head, a little button nose, full pouting lips, little rosy cheeks. Mercifully, the child did not have any features which eluded to its paternity. For one, its father's pins, and not forgetting his grid pattern. It appeared like any normal infant. All the anger, the frustration, her lust for Channard's blood had long past. She was far too in love with this baby to care about anything right this moment.

Well, there was one thing aggravating her. And that one thing lay on the floor, snoring its head off and mumbling something about wanting to ride a pony.

"PINNY!" Kirsty yelled, kicking her boyfriend who was still flat out on the floor. "Wake up!"

Pinhead leapt up from the floor after being unconscious for several minutes of his new son/daughter's life, his eyes were all wide. "WHA...WHAT!" Pinhead stopped and took a look around. He frowned when he saw all the madness around him, and he began to tear up. "WHERE AM I?"

Kirsty rolled her eyes as she held tighter onto her little baby. "Disneyland!" she said sarcastically. "Where the HELL do you think you are, you moron!? Our baby's just been born! Care to meet him or her. Oh that reminds me, I have to find out its sex."

While Pinhead edged closer to take a more in depth look at his child, Kirsty undone the blankets that had tightly enveloped the snug looking infant to check for its genitals. Everyone gathered round, even Pistonhead and Butterball had stopped fighting for the big unveiling.

As the fast asleep, naked infant's blanket were finally uncoiled, there - in all its glory - was the indication to the child's sex, making everyone gasp.

Kirsty stared at it for the longest time, observing it. "Hmmm, I wouldn't say he was as well endowed as his father." she said with a sigh. When she looked up, everyone had sickly faces, except Dreamer.

"Oh, right...it's a boy!" Kirsty finally announced, a smile forming for the first time in a while, and Pinhead began to cry.

"Oooh, a son. The Ceno-Stork brought us a son!" he gushed.

Kirsty slapped her forehead with her free hand. "Not this stupid Ceno-Stork theory again." she groaned. The Cotton woman sighed before attempting yet again to explain to her boyfriend where babies REALLY came from. "Pinny, there is only ONE way babies are made...and you know damn well they don't come from this stupid Ceno-Stork! So, where do they REALLY come from, Pinny? Hmmmm?!"

Pinhead fidgeted on his feet and lowered his gaze to the floor. "Ummm...the... _baby tree_?"

Kirsty face palmed. "NO!" she hissed, trying her hardest not to wake her baby son. "Sex Pinny! They come from wild, steamy, unadulterated, passionate, aggressive SEX! AND WE HAD IT PINNY, REMEMBER? SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX!"

"Wooo! YEAH baby!" Pistonhead leered, dreamily staring up to the heavens. "There's nothing better."

Pinhead in the meanwhile had turned beetroot red and still insisted that Cenobite babies came from the Ceno-Stork, while Kirsty sighed after glaring at Pistonhead, and wrapped her baby boy up again. "Anyone else want to hold my little boy are welcome while me and his father have words."

* * *

Twenty minutes had passed since little baby boy Cotton-Totec had been born. His parents were in the middle of a talk, with Kirsty scolding Pinhead - as everyone else took their turns to hold the little guy. The gang had to agree that the tiny one was the cutest baby ever. Channard was still unconscious on the floor while everyone else cooed over the baby, as no one had even bothered to wake him up. They just left him there. Well...he did look comfy.

Meanwhile, it was Angelique's turn to hold the baby, after Nikoletta had just treated him to a whole book's worth of nursery rhymes. But that was nothing compared to what the Princess was doing to him now.

"Now remember child..." Angelique firmly said to the wide eyed baby boy. "You must ALWAYS be respectful to your mother because she was unfairly placed with the expectation of the gruelling labour, and to have carried you into this world with effort - in the process losing her beautiful figure. All because of typical men like your father who got to simply sit back and watch! You could change that - though I highly doubt since all you boys are the same! At young, disgusted by girls, and then older - want nothing from them but a sexual relationship with such demands and a twisted view to love! WHY must it always be us?! Tell me?! Well?! Tell me CHILD?!

As the feminist Angelique scolded the innocent and wide eyed boy, it had caught the attention of his mother, who wasn't impressed. "Uh...Angelique? Normally I'd praise you if you were giving this lecture to Pistonhead because this basically fits him - but my son...IS TWENTY MINUTES OLD! He has no idea what's going on, and I doubt he'd run around and start disrespecting women right now!"

"You don't know for certain!" Angelique spat back. "For all we know his current personality blooming could be a mischievous immature child who despises education and loves creating havoc!"

"WHY IS EVERYBODY YELLING AT THE BABY?!" Pinhead cried, blubbering up again.

Kirsty sighed. "Pinny! We're not..." Her voice was tinged with annoyance, and the last thing Kirsty wanted was for Pinhead to cry a river again. She changed tact, and softened her voice. "We're NOT yelling at the baby."

"No but I'M saving his life from becoming just like all the other men in the world!" Angelique scoffed.

Butterball in the meanwhile leaned in to take a closer look at the boy, concern glittering his eyes. "He's very chubby for a baby..."

Kirsty had unfortunately heard that and spat back; "COMING FROM...actually, I don't know how to comeback with that one cos you're a freakin walking skeleton!"

Angelique growled, the baby within her arms just staring wide eyed and confused at her. "YOU MEN SICKEN ME!" she snarled before turning her attention to Butterball. "And YOU! Judging those by their weight and obsessing over it! Ugh!" She kicked Butterball, making him yelp and hop away in pain.

Pinhead meekly and shyly approached Angelique, staring to the baby. "Can I hold him?" he asked.

Angelique sighed and rolled her eyes. "Very well...as you are the very reason poor Cotton here was forced to endure what you do not even have a clue about..."

Pinhead teared up as the tiny baby was carefully placed into his arms. "I think that's an insult..." He sniffled as he stared down to the baby and a childlike smile came to his lips. "I want to name him something lovely!" he announced excitedly.

"Lovely?" Kirsty repeated in mock. She wasn't impressed. "Pinny, the name's gotta be something nice and masculine...and strong."

All the guys suddenly rushed forward and opened their mouths for a suggestion.

"And NO, we're not naming him after one of you." Kirsty put in, raising her hand.

"Gosh darn it! I wanted him to be called JP!" Pistonhead mumbled, slamming his fist on the table.

"And why's that?" Kirsty grumbled, folding her arms.

"Because all men ALWAYS take pride in naming a child after themselves! Even when it's not their own child!" Angelique piped up, rolling her eyes - disgusted.

"Let's name him after Leonardo DiCaprio!" Pinhead randomly squealed, making everyone to turn and stare at him. "Because it was so sad and so unfair about Titanic and...POOR JACK! I WANTED TO DRIVE THE TITANIC JUST SO I COULD HAVE STOPPED IT FROM HITTING THE BIG SCARY ICEBERG!" He began wailing, his tears dripping onto his little son. The baby gurgled cutely.

Kirsty slapped her forehead. "Will you quit whining about the Titan-" Suddenly, she paused and nodded her head in approval. "Leo...Hmm... Leo. Well - what about Leo?"

"Mmmm...Leonardo DiCaprio! Oooooh..." Dreamer cooed, swooning at the inappropriate dreams she previously had about the major Hollywood superstar actor.

Pistonhead in the meanwhile was less than impressed. "What the HELL Dreamer? First PinBoy now the freakin Titanic guy? How many guys do you dream about behind my back?" our pistonheaded friend grumbled, folding his arms.

"My name is DREAMER." she spat back, her arms firmly folded. "What do you expect? And like you wouldn't do the same with you and your little slutty Megan Fox poster there..."

Pistonhead gasped, hurt by the comment. "Don't insult Megan Fox!" he shouted defensively, taking said poster of the stunning actress before hugging it to his chest.

Kirsty held her head in her hands. "PEOPLE! Focus! We kinda have a baby to name!"

"And a ship to save!" Pinhead declared.

Kirsty sighed and stared to Pinhead almost apologetically. "Xipe...the Titanic sank over a hundred years ago. It's...it's too late."

The pinheaded Cenobite's lips quivered, and then the inevitable came. Much to the discomfort of everyone's ear drums. "NOOOOOOO! DAMN YOU SCARY ICEBERGS OF THE WORLD! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! " Pinhead cried, on his knees and shaking a free fist, while Kirsty shook her head.

Little Leo, still within his father's arms and seeing how he was crying, decided to cry himself, though it was mostly out of hunger. Both father and son were both crying with passion, and it had turned into quite the bet for the others to see who could cry the loudest. Much to the annoyance of the baby's mother.

"More crying? Ugh!" Kirsty teared up in frustration. "Pinny, give me the baby."

Pinhead sniffled, and slowly handed her the baby back. "O-o-okay."

Leo settled back into his mother's embrace while his father vowed to find and destroy every iceberg in the world, however getting frightened by the prospect not long after it. Leo in the meanwhile had been soothed, but was still whimpering. Dreamer stared down to him and immediately came to the right conclusion. "I think he's hungry." she pointed out, and Kirsty nodded in agreement.

"But I only just found out I were pregnant today. I haven't got any food for him...or clothes." she said. "What am I gonna do?"

Pistonhead cackled pervertedly in the corner. "Heh, hey Kirsty...since you're all out of baby milk formula stuff, you could try _BREAST_ feeding him?" he pointed out, wriggling his non-existent eyebrows.

Kirsty glared at him while Dreamer punched him in the stomach. "Shut up, you dirty pervert! She's just had a baby and all you can think about is getting a close up on her ti-"

"What?...What happened?" came the frantic, wary voice of Channard, who had finally woken up.

Nikoletta giggled giddily at the sight of a wide eyed and confused Channard. "Little Boy Blue fell asleep in the hay!"

Channard raised his eyebrows at the grinning open throated female Cenobite. "What the..." he growled, almost ready at scolding Nikoletta, but taking one look at her chattering boyfriend who was edging closer on intent for a possible smack around the head was enough to convince the doctor to ease it off. Shaking his head, he continued - with a more softer approach. "...Never-mind. I don't even know any more. And I REALLY don't need your psychopathic boyfriend after me...AGAIN!"

Channard heard a tiny gurgling sound in the corner, and turned to face Kirsty, who was was sat up - with the baby. "Ah, Kirsty. How's the little one doing, then?" he inquired earnestly, though he remained a tad nervous and on edge, since before the baby was born Kirsty vowed to kill him. He prepared himself, just in case.

However, much to the doctor's surprise, Kirsty returned Channard's smile. Within seconds she did something which attracted the attention of every male Cenobite in the room, made Pinhead giggle like an embarrassed school boy and Channard to turn and look away - his face beetroot red. She took her breast out before her baby boy, and it wasn't long before the infant found her rosy tinged nipple and began to greedily feed from the milk stored within his mother's breast. Though, the beautiful moment was spoilt by Pistonhead, who had to be physically removed from the room by a disgruntled Dreamer for staring and drooling at the new mother's breasts.

"Well doc...I gotta hand ya some credit for that fast situation there." Kirsty praised, easing Channard's worries. "I dunno how to thank you enough."

Channard flushed heavily under the Cotton woman's gratitude. "It was nothing. Glad to be of service." he told her before turning away and giving her some space to feed her son. His attention was turned to her boyfriend, and the father of baby Leo. "Sooo...Xipe."

Pinhead, who had thankfully calmed down over the Titanic tragedy and was now all wide eyed for some bizarre reason - probably because of Kirsty's naked breasts, glanced up to the doctor. "Yes?" he chirped.

Channard winced at his cheerfulness. He didn't know which was worse coming from Pinhead; being his normal calm and sinister self, being angry every now and again, or the way he's been lately - hysterical and crying, or the boyish cheerfulness. If he had to pick, he would have gone for his usual, normal personality any day. Though not with the question he was due to ask him.

"Sooo...I take it your sister is single and all and...what if I told you there was a guy I know who sometimes likes to send her flowers and chocolates and love notes? What...and just saying...what would you say?" he asked, attempting not to give away he was speaking of himself. He was the pervy stalker who sent flowers and chocolates to Pinhead's baby sister.

Pinhead gawked to Channard, horrified of the prospect of his little sister dating a man - and completely missing the point she was much older now than she was when he was human. "SHE'S FAR TOO YOUNG TO DATE!" Pinhead screeched, stamping his foot. "HER INNOCENCE IS STILL THERE, AND MUCH TOO VALUABLE TO VIOLATE!"

"You just said she was ninety-three, man!" Channard pointed out after a long time just gawking to the pinheaded Cenobite with a dumbstruck expression.

"THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!" Pinhead cried, looking close to tears...again! "FIRST I TAKE KIRSTY'S INNOCENCE AND NOW SOMEBODY IS AFTER MY SISTER'S INNOCENCE! Augh Channard this is TERRIBLE! Who would do such a horribly sick and twisted monstrous thing? ! Tell me doctor, WHO!?"

Our sobbing pinned friend got up so close into Channard's face that the ends of the pins went up his nose. He didn't sound threatening, rather the contrary. The guy was upset in a whole different way, in more of a cry baby _'don't take my little sister away from me she's all I have'_ sort of way. Gulping audibly, the Cenobitic Doc took a step back and grinned innocently. A halo almost appeared at the top of his head. "Uhh...whoops! Just uhhh - saw it in a movie! That's all! No need to cry again Xipe - for the millionth time..."

He stopped suddenly, an idea popping into his head. In replacement of the halo, a light-bulb appeared. He grinned. It was a crazy idea, but perhaps it could work.

Pinhead caught the expression on Channard's face, and looked warily at the doctor. "Am I in trouble?" he whimpered.

Channard shook his head. "No, but I got the most wonderful idea that would help you and your Gash to full recovery...and it involves a certain movie." he declared, his finger pointing to the ceiling and Pinhead following said finger and looking up.

"Erm...is the movie in...heaven?" Pinhead asked, swallowing hard.

"No. It most certainly is not. It's...it's...erm...you'll see!" he cried out before running out of the door, leaving Pinhead, his Gash, Kirsty and a tiny sleeping baby all alone, and wondering what the _Hell_ the doctor had up his sleeve this time...

 _ **To Be Continued...**_


	9. Babies & CrackPot Remedies

Chapter Nine - Babies & CrackPot Remedies

"Where the hell is tumor boy!?" Kirsty groaned, looking at her watch and trying to balance the cute little newborn baby boy cutely named Leo in her arms. Channard had been gone for well over an hour now, leaving the spell bound main members of the Gash, Kirsty, Pistonhead and Dreamer all alone within his office/chamber.

The new mother had even found enough time to go to Earth with baby Leo and get him everything he needed, like clothes and diapers. When she returned, she was hoping that maybe Channard had returned with whatever crack pot scheme he had up his sleeve to change the Cenobites back to normal, but he had not. And the Cenobites were all left wondering what had happened to him.

"Beats me!" Pistonhead grunted in response to Kirsty's query. "Maybe he's gone on vacation and left you guys to it!?"

Kirsty whirled on him angrily. "Don't be stupid!" she spat.

"Maybe he's been eaten by the boogeyman!" Pinhead gasped fearfully, making Kirsty face-palm and shake her head.

 _ **CHAT! CHAT! CHAT! CHAT!,**_ Translation from Chatterer; "Maybe he's plotting to kill us all again! NIKI, MY AMORE! IT'S NOT SAFE HERE!"

Chatterer grabbed Nikoletta in a flurry of panic and over protectiveness, and attempted to jump out of the window again, but Kirsty beat them to it by blocking the exit.

"Chatterer, I don't think he's trying to kill you again! Just...sit _down_!" Kirsty firmly told him.

"Hmmm, well I think..." Angelique huffed. "...that the perverted little doctor is attempting to woo Xipe's sis-" Just that second, the Princess' mouth was covered over by Kirsty's hand before she could reveal any more before an emotionally unstable Pinhead. To hear that Channard was the one responsible for sending Lilies to his little sister would send him over that fragile edge.

"Mmfmfmfmfmfmfmfmfm!" Angelique screamed muffled and wriggled about in the surprisingly strong Cotton woman's grip, while Kirsty grinned innocently to a curious Pinhead.

"OH NO!" Butterball gasped out of no where, taking the emphasis off Kirsty and Angelique. His extra large cassock, now much too small for him, fell down and pooled round his ankles and basically left nothing to the imagination of everyone in sight. "Channard might be going to McDonald's and bring me back a huge order and force me to eat it!"

While everyone shrieked in fright and covered their eyes at Butterball's exposed - heh, naughty bits, Kirsty sighed, then did something which surprised everyone there.

She blew up.

Handing baby Leo to Angelique - whose innocent little coal eyes were immediately covered by the Princess' hand to save him from seeing what no baby should see at his tender age while in the meantime, his mother screamed in absolute rage. "No no NO! Will you all be quiet!? He's not gone on vacation! He's NOT been eaten by the boogeyman! He's certainly NOT trying to kill you again - I hope not anyways. He's not trying to woo Eve-" Pinhead looked at her curiously, and Kirsty immediately changed tack. "...er...a certain lady friend. And he's NOT plotting to force feed Butterball with the McDonald's diet!" She took a breath before covering her eyes when she saw how Butterball had still not uh...covered up. "And for Leviathan's SAKE Butterball, COVER UP already! GOSH!"

Butterball eeped in embarrassment and scrambled for dignity, pulling his huge cassock up and trying to get it to stay in place, with the help of the belt Kirsty had on her jeans, as she had took it off and kindly lent it to him. It would do; for now. Goodness knows how much more weight he was set to lose if Channard wasn't successful in breaking this weird spell.

Speaking of which, with Butterball's shameful little embarrassment now forgotten about - sort of, the man himself suddenly burst forth into the room, grinning from ear to ear and looking like the cat that had gotten the cream. Though he had practically scared the life out of mostly everyone there with his rather abrupt entrance.

"Jesus, did ya have to burst in like that?!" Kirsty gasped angrily, clutching her chest. "You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

Channard sighed at that. "I apologise for my sudden return. I have the very thing guaranteed to break to spell on your lover and Gash members set up in the Main Congregating Hall."

"Two questions, Doc; what the hell is this all about and are me and Dreamer invited?" Pistonhead grunted.

Channard rolled his eyes. "Yes, if you feel you must join us. And all will be revealed. Right then." Channard turned to Pinhead and his Gash and smiled brightly. "Main Gash Members, Kirsty, and...erm Leo, right? Please follow me."

Kirsty arched her brow at the doctor. "Why? So you can kill them all again?" she sneered.

Channard stared confused for a while at the Cotton woman, but then the realisation hit him suddenly. "Wha- NO! To cure them. Unless...you like sensitive men..."

Kirsty's face was but a blank and pale mask as the thought of her usually strong boyfriend being forever wimpy and always crying bombarded her mind. "...Never mind, carry on."

Elsewhere, her son Leo was still within the arms of Angelique whom for some bizarre reason and, considering who she was, was taken to this small and helpless baby. But then, she suddenly screeched in utter fury. Looking to the Princess, she appeared soaked through and it was obviously evident what had just happened. "Augh! This infant just peed on me! The rotten fiend! I KNEW he'd be just like all other men!" Angelique growled, holding the tiny one at arm's length like he was some kind of dangerous bomb that was waiting to go off. The baby, however, gurgled cutely and...well, continued to pee.

Kirsty sneered at the Princess and proceeded to take the child out of her reluctant grasp. "Well excuse ME for not having him potty trained and given a talk on equality for all sexes while he was being born just today!" she spat, making at start at changing the infant's diaper which was indeed soaked through.

Channard face palmed; frustration was now beginning to build once again. "Let's get out of here and cure them already!" he called out impatiently.

"Couldn't agree more." Kirsty piped up after fixing up her son with a fresh diaper and draping him over her shoulder before tapping his back gently.

Channard smiled. "Yes and why don't we just..." The good doctor stopped when he noticed Chatterer, after popping out for a minute, returning with something strange. Parked outside Channard's room was a curious looking and heavily gadgeted auto-mobile. "CHATTERER! What in the name of Leviathan is THAT?" Channard gasped, pointing furiously at the object.

 _ **CHAT CHAT CHAT!**_ Translation; "It's a car you moron!"

"I'm aware of that..." Channard said impatiently. "But what's with the gadgets?!"

 _ **CHAT CHAT CHAT CHAT CHAT CHAT CHATTY CHAT CHAT!** _ Translation; "It's bullet-proof, torpedo-proof, missile-proof, tank-proof, fire-proof, water-proof, electric-proof, bazooka-proof, natural disaster-proof, terrorist-proof, tornado-proof, bomb-proof, idiot-proof, and good for the environment too! All to keep my Niki safe...YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!"

Channard flushed, and gawked awkwardly to the car. Boy, was this kid going overboard to protect Nikoletta. But also, where they were going was at walking distance. "Erm no! Just...it's not far from where we're all heading-"

 _ **CHAT CHAT CHAT!**_ Translation; "Did I mention it's sound proof in which nobody would hear you screaming!?"

Channard's eyes widened. "Uh...okay you two can take the car."

"Wait a sec!" Butterball spoke up. "If it's sound proof and Nikoletta is in it, how would you know if she's in trouble and screaming if it's sound proof?"

Chatterer began to madly chat his teeth in such a way in which no one could possibly understand what he was trying to say. CHAT CHAT CHATTITY CHAT! Translation; "You're right! Niki, my love! This is a death machine! It's far too dangerous for you! I shall rid of it!" The over protective Cenobite took out a remote control from his pocket and proceeded to press the big red button, thus activating the self destruct sequence in the car.

Everyone was blown off their feet by the huge explosion. Pinhead whimpered and hid behind the couch while Kirsty stared in astonishment. "I want one of those cars!" she gasped in awe.

Pinhead peeped up from behind the couch, looking to his girlfriend with puppy dog eyes. "But its so big and scary!"

"Can you try and get a grip on yourself for a few minutes?!" Kirsty snapped.

Pinhead shakily walked to Kirsty's side. "Erm..."

Channard began to childishly throw a temper tantrum. "ARE WE GOING NOW OR WHAT? I am NOT about to be late in sending my usual lovely bouquet of Lilies to Eve- er...I mean the doctor is in!" He grinned sheepishly, wiping his brow when he believed he had saved himself.

Kirsty shook her head, while little Leo - nestled safely in the crook of his mother's arm, just blinked.

"Awwwwww!" everyone crooned when they saw the tiny baby blink, while Leo simply stared fascinated by these strange people who were indeed his parents, aunts and uncles.

"Awwwwww!" they all crooned again, all edging closer and twiddling their fingers in his face, and all ignoring Channard's childish temper tantrum in the background.

Leo, in the meanwhile, made a face which seemed oddly like that of annoyance, as if the antics and the constant cooing and awwing of those around him greatly annoyed him. More than likely he was just frowning for the hell of it. He was just a tiny newborn baby, after-all. How would he know to make such an expression? However, it did seem like that of annoyance written across his face for all to see, which seemed to delight those gathered around him even more so.

"Awwwwww!" They continued to gush and coo over him, though one in particular even more so than the others.

"Look Pisty!" Dreamer gushed, turning a weird tinge of tickled pink in her usually pale face as she stared lovingly to the baby. "Leo's got Kirsty's annoyed facial expression! Isn't that adorable?!" she cooed, stroking Leo's tiny, coal hair covered head. Silence ensued as the dreaming Cenobite persisted in gazing at him, unnerving her somewhat baby phobic consort. But he still did not foresee what was to come next. "OH! Pisty..." she suddenly squealed, grabbing Pistonhead's arm and giving him a puppy dog look. "Imagine if we had a baby with doe eyes and facial expressions like me?! Ooh! I think I'm tempted!"

Pistonhead's eyes widened and he paled at the thought. His pistons clanged together violently as his fear went into overdrive. "Uh, now that you mention it..." The pistonheaded Cenobite, without another word, frantically rushed over to the window and attempted to jump out of it, but was grabbed just before he could leap out by a ferocious Dreamer who just by looking into her dead set eyes could see that she was not going to let him go this easily.

"No! I want one too! All cute and adorable!" she gasped breathlessly, pushing her usually sex obsessed consort against the wall in a randy manner.

"Um...babe I...I don't know..." Pistonhead squeaked.

"Oh Pisty! How can you not want a cute little baby, just like Leo!?" she breathed, pointing at Leo, who just blinked and suddenly spit up.

"Awwwwww!" everyone gushed again.

Kirsty frowned and folded her arms. "Is that all you people are going to say about him?!" she mumbled.

Silence ensued. Everyone turned to look at the other, and then shrugged.

"He's so cute?" someone randomly said.

Kirsty sighed. "Well it's different."

"DREAMER WAIT!" Pistonhead screamed, clutching onto the door frame as Dreamer tried with all her might to drag him out of the room. "Shouldn't we discuss this first...?!"

"NO! I want one NOW!" Dreamer hissed, grabbing his top and pulling him right up close to her face. "You. Me. Make. Baby. **_NOW_**!"

Pistonhead cried like a little girl as he was dragged away finally. "Have mercy! I'm too young for this!"

All that now could be heard to everyone was the ear piercing screams of poor Pistonhead as Dreamer ravaged him somewhere in Hell.

"Is he gonna be okay?" Pinhead paled, worried and somewhat scared for his pistonheaded henchman.

Channard narrowed his eyes, then made a casual shrug. "Eh, no. He's a goner. Anyway, Xipe! I'm taking you, the Gash, Kirsty and your son to see a very special movie."

Pinhead began to bounce up and down in his seat like a child. "Does it have unicorns in it?!" he asked giddily.

Channard gawked at the pinheaded Cenobite in bemusement. "Uh..."

"Will it be about women taking over the world and enslaving men?!" Angelique cut in, flaring her chest with pride.

"And exercise programs?!" Butterball asked eagerly.

"I hope there's nursery rhymes in it!" Nikoletta squealed, bouncing up and down along with Pinhead.

"There better be steamy sex in it!" Kirsty grumbled, folding her arms with a big hmpth.

 _ **CHAT CHAT CHAT!** _ Translation; "Better not be a scary movie! Don't want my Niki to be scared!"

Channard cocked his head to one side. "Well I..."

Suddenly, strangled love making screams were heard from a whole other room from the you-know-who's, breaking the attention from Channard's mystery movie.

 _ **CHAT CHAT!**_ Translation; "Sounds like a scary movie!" Chatterer accused.

Oh boy, was this gonna take forever...

 ** _To Be Continued..._**

* * *

 _So, what IS this mysterious movie the OOC Cenobites are going to see? Tune in to the next chapter to find out!_


	10. The Pointless Sequel Cure

_M'kay! We're on the final chapter now. I really loved writing this one. XD I hope you enjoy it!_

* * *

Chapter Ten - The Pointless Sequel Cure

It took quite a while, but Channard had some how managed to get the five most important Gash members; including Kirsty, Leo, and Pistonhead and Dreamer - whom had finally come back from a brutal session of vicious baby-making sex - to the Congregation Hall were the mysterious movie they were set to watch was all ready and waiting for them on something called a plasma flat screen TV. Where Channard had got those from, who knew. The DVD cover was set down on the table before the Gash, and Kirsty picked it up - looking to it curiously, and reading the title of the movie out loud.

Kirsty raised her eyebrow, staring to the big picture spread across the cover of someone who looked just like Pinhead, except he looked... _different_ somehow. Much meatier and more angrier. Nothing like her Pinhead. She had heard of the strange films that had been made about their lives, some series of films called _**Hellraiser**_. Most of them, namely the first three ones, were ninety percent accurate most of the time. But this one? What the hell was it about?

"I've never heard of this one. Where did you get it from, Channard?" she questioned, while little baby Leo in her arms began to spit up, and all over the picture of this...strange _Pinhead_ fellow. It was almost as if he did it on purpose.

Channard smiled. "Well, my dear...it has just recently been released. I had heard of it and thought, well...maybe the Gash would like to see it." Then he leaned in to whisper into Kirsty's ear as to be sure the Cenobites didn't hear. "And also, I believe that THIS could be the very thing that snaps them out of their spell. This film is supposed to be very bad."

Kirsty smirked at that, silently wishing that was true, while Channard clapped his hands together to get the Gash's attention. "Now then, are we all comfortable?"

Everyone nodded, confirming they were all perfectly comfortable and ready to watch the movie. Pistonhead and Dreamer sat at the back row, snuggled together. Butterball sat next to Angelique, who did not care for his proximity and was near enough close to kicking his seat. Chatterer and Nikoletta were too snuggled together, and Pinhead and Kirsty were holding hands with their chairs brought together.

"Right then..." Channard smiled. "I shall start the movie."

Just as the doctor pressed the start button, and the DVD started up, Pinhead trembled and his lip quivered. Crushing his girlfriend's hand in his own once again, making her sigh, the pinned Cenobite's face was awash with fear. "I'm scared...!" he whimpered, bringing a cushion to his face and hiding.

"For goodness sake...!" Kirsty snapped, rolling her eyes and leaping up out of her seat. "I GIVE UP!"

"Now Kirsty..." Channard approached the Cotton woman timidly, hoping to persuade her to give it a chance.

Kirsty however, before he could defend himself from her wrath, grabbed Channard by the vestments and pulled him to her face, sneering through her teeth. "Now you listen up, Tumor Boy! So help me if this doesn't work I'll yank that THING off your head and shove it in that hole of a mouth, and I'll make certain to personally tell Evelyn Spencer who's sending her those lovely lil-"

Channard quickly covered her mouth before she could reveal the object of his obsessive affections. "Shhhhh! She already knows kind of but...n-not Xi-"

Kirsty smiled sadistically. "Oh, then I'll take in mind to bring that up..." She gritted her teeth. "Got it?"

Channard nervously nodded his head, gulping with fear. Whoever would have thought the sweet girl named Kirsty Cotton who came to his hospital so long ago could grow into such a domineering and bossy kick ass woman?!

A sickly sweet smile came to Kirsty's lips as she finally released the doctor, dropping him to the floor. "GREAT!"

In the meanwhile, the movie had just started, after a long time of unnecessary ads and trailers before hand. Mostly everyone there were beginning to fall asleep when the flashy logo for **_Dimension Films_** pops up, making all that were before the screen jump back and hiss. Then came a few more names, this is a _blah blah_ such-a-body's film, before the name of the film spread across the screen in big bold writing;

 _ **HELLRAISER REVELATIONS**_

"Boooooring!" Pistonhead drawled, yawning so obnoxiously loud.

Dreamer whirled on him angrily. "Would you shut up!? It's not even started yet!"

"Pfft! Typical males!" Angelique huffed, glaring at Pistonhead. "Always lacking in attention and putting things down before giving them a chance! Urgh!" She threw her tub of popcorn at him.

" _Hellraiser_?!" Pinhead squeaked. "Oh my! Those gothic horror movies based on our lives sounds frightening! Why can't we _'Fun-Raise_ ' instead? That sounds much more cheerful than this." He frowned sadly.

" _Revelations_?" Nikoletta mused. "What the hell does that rhyme with?" She cocked her head to the side, puzzled. "Hm... _detonation_? _Qevelations_?"

 _ **CHAT CHAT CHAT?**_ Translation; "Would you like me to punch the screen and rearrange the words to rhyme my love?"

Kirsty gaped at Chatterer in shock. "That's not physically possible!"

 ** _CHAT CHAT CHATTY CHATTEDY CHAT!_** Translation; "Well neither are rapid pregnancies! Or so we thought until Leo came along!"

"HEY!" Kirsty shouted, before stuttering when she realised he spoke the truth. "Well...you're right."

As the minutes wore on, so did the movie - this strange new _Hellraiser_ film. Except, it was nothing like the classic first two which the Cenobites had once watched and loved. It was turning out to be ya average teen slasher movie with no decent plot, no real likeable characters, the usual crack filled storyline and the obvious obnoxious lead characters making the likes of Trevor, Pistonhead and Frank Cotton seem like lovable rogues. Oh boy, this _Revelations_ was making the last _Hellraiser_ movie, _Hellworld_ \- which had made Pinhead go off on a very bloody murder spree after viewing it - seem like an Oscar-worthy masterpiece. As everyone watched in sheer bewilderment, flabbergasted by the apparent found-footage set-up with flash backs showing how the two main characters came across the box in the first place, Angelique leapt from her seat and pointed at the screen were the two main drugged out male characters dominated.

"Ugh! How stereotypical!" Angelique hissed. "Always have two rowdy males be the centre focus as though they're somewhat in appeal to the monstrously use the women in the film for their own pleasures! Why I hope they receive a forced castration painfully in any matter or I'll see to it personally!"

Meanwhile, something happened which gave Channard and Kirsty some hope. "I'm kinda hungry." Butterball said shyly, like the word 'hunger' was a bad word to say.

To Channard, it was the most beautiful word spoken, and Kirsty watched on in hope as Channard offered him some popcorn from his tub. "I have popcorn." he cooed almost temptingly.

Now normally, Butterball would have just snatched the bowl before you could even offer it to him. But now, well...it destroyed any hope Kirsty and Channard had suddenly built up.

"BURN IT IMMEDIATELY!" the once obese now skinny Cenobite shrieked, shrinking away from the bowl like it was something that caused him pain.

"Oh come on now! Really?! It couldn't be THAT bad." Channard cooed again, while Butterball whimpered.

Angelique in the meanwhile was still ranting about the movie like some unsatisfied and miserable critic. "Not as bad as these poorly plotted characters! Ugh! Their childish amusements! They act like a bunch of dim witted college fools! It makes me want to put a ban on this movie!" she hissed.

Channard smirked. "Trust me on this, your highness. A majority of the mortals agree with you on that one."

Anglique gazed at him curiously. "Really? Are they females?" She arched her brow and cackled. "Perhaps we could enslave that studio and influence for a female role model type figure to take over in the dim witted politics! Mwa ha ha ha!"

"That sounds nice!" Pinhead piped up, smiling gently.

"SILENCE!" Angelique roared at him, making him cower before her. "How dare you mock my confidence!"

Pinhead began to tear up and blubber. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings!"

"It's too late to apologise!" Angelique hissed, poking him in the chest. "How dare you toy with my emotions! You, sir, are ultimate embodiment of male typicality! Just look to Kirsty; you tried to seduce her, to get her to the dark side, and then much later on when she was eventually yours you got her pregnant! And let us not forget Dreamer when you seduced her during her vulnerability back that night in 1992, though I must applause her for it's currently her moronic boyfriend vulnerable at the given moment to her if anyone catches my drift...and we ALL know what your human side and Joanne Summerskill do behind your back in Limbo! But ah, you had attempted to use Joey's emotions against her too! And...and...who knows if you perhaps shared a relationship with Nikoletta as well! Or perhaps Julia or Tiffany!"

Pinhead paled at that and turned a horrible shade of green. He began to stammer at the thought of being in a relationship with Kirsty's ex-stepmother. "J- Julia? She's a scary witch! I...I And I didn't mean to hurt Dreamer and you! Or any other female!" He looked just about ready to cry.

 _ **CHAT CHAT CHAT!**_ Translation; "YOU TRIED TO STEAL MY GIRL?! MY PRECIOUS NIKI!? WHY YOU...!"

"AND MINE!?" Pistonhead joined the chattering Cenobite, glaring to Pinhead. They both crossed their arms.

Pinhead began to panic. "No! I'd never! It was always Kirsty who owned possession of my delicate heart!"

While that some what satisfied the two disgruntled and jealous Cenobites, and they sat down to watch the rest of the movie, Kirsty placed her hand to her chest and cooed. "Awww...sort of..." she sighed.

"I'm sure you said that to the last female consort of yours!" Angelique hissed at Pinhead, giving him a dirty look.

"Wasn't it you who dated him before Kirsty?" Butterball pointed out timidly, rather bravely daring to point out the Princess' mistake.

The adorable once fat Cenobite gulped when the Princess whirled on him angrily. "HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS CHANCER!? THIS...THIS WOMANISING CAD!? OF ALL THE SICKENING THINGS!" she shrieked before looking him up and down in disgust. "And speaking of which, mind in-taking some calories at some point! Self-conscious women are going to feel as though they should be slimmer and enter into unhealthy habits when they lay eyes upon _YOU_!"

"Calories are EVIL!" Butterball grunted.

"Can you please all be quiet and watch the movie for Leviathan's sake!" Channard shouted impatiently.

 _"Yes, my children!"_ Leviathan boomed, who for some reason, was in the room and watching the movie, and munching down popcorn. How He'd gotten in? Nobody knew. _"I want to watch the movie in peace!"_

Kirsty arched her eyebrow at the floating God. "Who let you in?!" she sneered. "Didn't I tell you to keep the hell away from me for saying my baby looks like Frank!?"

Leviathan stuttered. _"Uhhh, child...I didn't mean to erm...say Frank...I meant...I meant your father. Your son looks like Larry."_

Kirsty's face softened "Awww."

 _"Hmp! He does look a little like Frank."_ Leviathan muttered under His breath, hoping Kirsty wouldn't hear that.

But alas, Kirsty did. "I HEARD THAT! GET OUT, OR IT'S ENGAGEMENT FINGER TIME!"

 _"Argh!"_ Leviathan quickly floated out before Kirsty could turn Him into an almighty diamond ring.

In the meantime, the film had suddenly shifted from the two dimwitted leads filming themselves in all kinds of stupid situations...to one filming the other opening the box in some run-down filthy room in Mexico, and then a familiar face began to appear, making Pinhead cower a little. "Wait! Who is this scary fellow suddenly strangely emerging from within the fearsome looking box?! Eek!" He cowered behind the seat.

Kirsty smacked her forehead. "That's YOU, you dumbass!"

Pinhead slowly emerged from behind the seat. "Oh...right."

Pistonhead laughed hysterically and pointed to the screen when a certain pin faced fellow appeared. "Heh, Pinny boy's gone really fat!" he snickered.

Dreamer caught sight of this too and giggled along with her immature consort. "It's the Pillsbury Doughboy with pins!" she declared.

"My Pinny's not that fat!" she hissed at the two. "And...no, wait!" She noticed something odd...something _different_ with this Pinhead in the film. "That's not _my_ Pinny! That's some other guy!" she accused, leaping up and pointing her finger at the screen.

"You mean it's not Doug Bradley playing me?!" Pinhead gasped in shock. "Who is it?! I'm scared!" he whimpered.

 ** _"You opened it, summoned us, we came!"_ ** said the movie Pinhead. This... _fake...fat_ looking Pinhead.

Pinhead's, our Pinhead, eyebrow twitched. "I'll admit, that wasn't as fearsome as I had thought..." he said quietly.

"They took your awesome line and dumbed it down, Pinny!" Kirsty gasped.

Pinhead's eyebrow twitched again. "Well I..."

* * *

As the movie wore on, it would seem that it clearly wasn't on par with the rest in the excellent horror franchise that was based on their lives, and Kirsty and Channard watched as Pinhead the the others took in every last scene, line, character with clear disgust written across their faces. Though thus far...they hadn't shown any signs of their former selves. Not even a glimmer.

"Sheesh. That Nico guy is a total dick, and that's coming from me!" Pistonhead complained.

"That Emma girl is _so_ annoying!" Angelique sneered. "What a typical dumb-blonde female!"

 _ **CHAT CHAT!** _ Translation: WAIT! Did that Frank-clone just... _kill_ a baby?

All the females in the room suddenly all gasped at the now skinless main villain Nico murdering a helpless baby and its mother.

"HOW COULD HE! THE _CREEP_!" Dreamer yelled.

"He won't touch MY baby in a million years!" Kirsty cried, hugging Leo close to her, whilst Pinhead watched in utter silence. Almost _angry_ silence.

"That's just plain greedy...he'll get fat!" Butterball grumbled.

And it wasn't just the horrible scenes the Gash found complaint with...

Angelique snorted in mockery. "Ha! I always knew the males would have pathetic lines! Now the females can arise stronger and-"

A random girl in the movie suddenly screamed and fainted, making Angelique sulk her shoulders and cross her arms. "EVERY DAMN TIME WITHIN THIS GENRE THEY MAKE US IN DISTRESS! GAH!"

"Ha! These lines are corny!" Butterball giggled, listening to some of the lines in the film.

Channard again tries to see if it's working by offering him some of the tasty snack from his tub. "Popcorn?" he asked.

Butterball leapt back and hissed. "KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!"

In his attempt to escape the fat-making snack, Butterball jumped in to Angelique's arms Scooby Doo and Shaggy style. Of all the people he could have done that with, it had to be the murderous Angelique!

"WHY YOU...!" Angelique shrieked in utter smouldering fury, about to attempt violence on the dangerously thin Cenobite.

But Pinhead inadvertently came to his rescue, interrupting the two by pointing to the screen. "Look! The quality is bad...but I suppose the people tried their best and that's all that matters but..." Suddenly, he stopped - shocked by what he was seeing. "...Is that..." he gasped.

"Oh my..." Angelique gawked, her fist halfway to Butterball's face.

"No way..." Butterball squealed.

"Of all the unholy things... " Channard gasped in disbelief.

"What the..." Kirsty nearly choked on her popcorn.

Leo just gurgled.

"OH HELL NO THEY DIDN'T!" Nikoletta gasped, furiously shaking her head. "That face rings a ...bell but... Chatterer?"

 ** _CHAT CHAT CHAT!_ ** Translation; "I'M A GIRL?!"

Kirsty facepalmed.

"Of all the bloody inaccuracy..." Channard scoffed.

"Wow...I think Leviathan has really lost track on how to tell the difference, well, can't blame Him being so old and all..." Butterball said without a care for whoever heard it.

"HEY! I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS MOVIE!" Leviathan yelled from another room, offended.

 _ **CHAT CHAT CHAAAAT!**_ Translation; "MAKE IT STOP!" Chatterer cried, shielding Nikoletta from his female film incarnation.

"Hey look!" Pistonhead piped up, breaking the icy tension that had mounted in the room. "The fat-ass Pinhead's got a mini me!"

"A what?!" Kirsty raised her eyebrow.

Pistonhead sighed and pointed furiously to the screen. "Look!"

When Kirsty looked up, she realised Pistonhead was right. There for all to see was a young Cenobite made in Fakey - as they'd all come to know this fat-ass Pinhead - Pinhead's image. He was obviously one of those obnoxious boys from the beginning of the movie, and he'd been changed into a Cenobite. But...in Pinhead's image? That was weird.

"What the HELL!" Kirsty shrieked when she saw the Pinhead clones.

"I am unique!" Pinhead suddenly declared, getting pissed all of a sudden.

Channard smiled smugly, and Kirsty crossed her fingers.

"Why is the quality and plot-line as well as the characters of this film so bad?!" Pinhead questioned, beginning to slowly sound like his old self. "If it apparently involves us Cenobites then where is my lovely Kirsty? I have nowhere to see her lovely face. These two boys are not very smart, and...and I...I... I think I don't like this movie! I suddenly want to...inflict...PAIN...!"

The others frown and nod slowly along with him.

"YES!" Kirsty and Channard mouthed, grinning.

"Why IS this movie so bad?! Is it attempting to offend us?" Pinhead then blubbered into tears, crying again and making Channard and Kirsty face-palm.

"DOH! So damn close..."

"Why?! Why?! Why is it so bad? Why!? Why is this movie so bad?!" Pinhead whined. "Why is Chatterer a female?! Why has that admittedly overweight incarnation of myself made a Cenobite in his image when I am meant to be one of a kind!? Where are the others?! Where's Kirsty?! Who is mocking me so horribly, and my infamous lines originally spoken to hit on Kirsty? I...I..." His eyebrow twitched again.

Kirsty began to cry. "I'll never get the REAL Pinhead back! I'll be forever stuck with this cry baby!"

"No, wait, look at Xipe..." Channard hissed, pointing at Pinhead whose facial expression constantly flickered from tender and childlike, and fearful - to angry and pissed. To the way he used to be!

"I...I... I am insulted by this movie!" Pinhead hissed, while his little son Leo cried at seeing Fakey.

Angelique sighed. "I think I, for once, agree with the child at how horrid this is...even if he is a boy! Maybe...maybe the Totec men aren't so bad after-all. I...oh...Totec men..." she cooed in a dreamy voice that was gradually taking over, her usual old horny Princess voice. "... _Xipe_..."

Channard nudged Kirsty excitedly. "Kirsty, I think it's working." he whispered.

Kirsty smirked and leaned in to Angelique and suddenly and randomly yelled, "XIPE'S BIG!"

Channard paled at the inappropriate mention reference. "KIRSTY!"

"What?!" Kirsty moaned. "It'll get the princess back into lusty Princess Biatch mode!"

Angelique was falling deeper into a more lusty dreamy mode, and took no notice of what Kirsty had just said. "Mmmmm... _Xipe_..."

In the meantime, Pinhead rose from his seat and clenched his fists. His face turning into a slight scowl and staring to the screen, seemingly daring the film to do something other that was insulting.

Angelique prowled not far behind him, and undone the buttons of her blouse to reveal her sizeable cleavage. "Xiiiiii-peeeee!?" she crooned seductively.

Butterball took a few pieces of popcorn to munch on, Nikoletta discarded her nursery rhyme book and Chatterer relinquished his protective bone crushing hold on her.

While this went on, Channard and Kirsty hug each other in anticipation. This was it now.

 _ **"You have a darkness that rivals my own, Nico."** _ the Fakey Pinhead growled on the TV, having caught up with the main villain, making the real Pinhead glower and snarl. **_"It will be a very special pleasure to rip..."_**

"Oh god please be it!" Kirsty gasped in excitement, nearly strangling Channard in her hug.

 ** _"... you..."_**

"Please, please, please, please, PLEASE!" Channard prayed like an idiot.

 _ **"...apart!"**_

Just as Channard had rightly predicted, the five main Cenobites were snapped back to normal as the last word left the Fakey's lips.

"WHY, I'LL TEAR _YOU_ APART, YOU PITIFUL UNCONVINCING OVERWEIGHT FACSIMILE! HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME SO!" Pinhead screeched at the screen, punching his fist through it and sending sparks flying everywhere.

At that moment, everyone and I mean _EVERYONE_ \- even Leviathan - had leapt onto the TV and began to pound the life out of it. Pinhead summoned his chains and aimed them in perfect accuracy while Leviathan floated back and forth to smash into the screen. Butterball was, in the meantime, stuffing everything that was edible greedily into his mouth as he half heartedly joined in on wreaking revenge on the so-called movie. Chatterer was the second most pissed there after Pinhead, just for the film making his character into a girl, and the Hell he was unleashing on it was something that would make most people wince at. But Pinhead was having the most fun, it would seem, with his unholy revenge. Everyone, and I mean everyone, in Hell could hear his rampaging screech...

"YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO FILL MY VOID!? TO TAKE ON MY MANTLE!? YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE OVER A ROLE WHICH WAS DEFTLY AND INGENIOUSLY PORTRAYED IN THE PAST AND TURN IT INTO THAT OF A FELLOW WHO LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE MANNING THE DOORS OF A NIGHT CLUB...OR SHOULD BE THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY!? I AM DIVIDED ON WHETHER I SHOULD KILL YOU...OR POKE YOU IN THE STOMACH! BAH! NO! I SHALL KILL YOU! THEN YOU SHALL KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF PAIN! FOR _I AM_ PAIN!"

Kirsty and Channard watched the scene unfolding before their eyes with astonishment, and such relief. They had never been so relieved and happy in all their lives. The Gash was back to normal, and Leviathan would sure be pleased with Channard that he would most likely get that promotion he so desired. In the meantime, while Pinhead and the gang set fire to the TV and DVD cover - and laughed evilly around the flaming mound - Kirsty beamed up at Channard.

"Oh, we did it! We did it Channard! I can't believe it!" she cried in absolute bliss, throwing her arms around Channard.

As Channard stuttered and blushed, shrugging as he shook off all the credit, Kirsty did the unimaginable in her gratuitous over relief. The unspeakable. The highly unlikely...and the _sickening._

She grabbed Channard...and she _KISSED_ him!

But not just any old kiss.

Oh no.

A _passionate_ one.

And on the LIPS!

Well...it wouldn't be the first time now, would it?

Pinhead and the Gash were too busy still unleashing merry hell on the smoking remains of the TV to notice what just happened, but Kirsty was able to get a grip of herself and pull away before the kiss could get any deeper. And she was immediately disgusted and surprised at herself.

She jumped away from the Cenobite doctor, and began to chokingly cough and splutter, gagging horribly like she had just drank a heap of poison. She looked up at Channard sheepishly, and he had gone so red he looked like he could fry an egg on his face.

"Well...let us forget THAT ever happened. Agreed?" Kirsty murmured quietly.

Channard was too shocked and wide eyed to respond, so he just nodded numbly.

She walked off and headed toward her pinheaded boyfriend, who was still shouting at the charred remains of the TV.

"Pin-Head? !" she cooed seductively.

"Yes, my sweet child?" Pinhead turned, smiling that familiar charming and sneaky smirk he was most famous for, that she had so horribly missed.

Without warning, she leapt on him and knocked him into a nearby chair, and proceeded to straddle him. She kissed him fiercely like she had not kissed him like that in ages. Well, that was slightly true. It had been well over a month since their last time. Heh. And he didn't stop her as she sexually ravaged him.

They were now practically getting it on in the middle of the room, in front of everybody there. As they began to rip each other's clothes off, not caring who saw them, Angelique ripped her own clothes off in disgust of how... _respectable_ they were.

"GAH! What ever is this horrible fashion I'm wearing?! I sicken myself!" she hissed and folded her arms, and she sighed and pouted as Pinhead and Kirsty got even more passionate. "Damn it, Cotton, Xipe is MINE!" she muttered under her breath, slamming her fist down on the table.

Chatterer and Nikoletta went off together happily, they were still very much the consorts they previously were, but only this time Chatterer was not quite so...over protective.

Butterball happily munched away on everything that came into his path like a ravenous hawk, and strangely he was immediately beginning to fill out and put weight on before a shocked Channard's eyes. But seeing the two love making Pinhead and Kirsty made him realise there was worse things to see and he put a cover over the two.

"Oooh Pinny! Take me!" Kirsty moaned.

"I am the WAY...to taking you!" Pinhead declared.

Channard face palmed as he took in the now normal madness around him, with only little baby Leo for company. He smiled down at the youngster, who just regarded him curiously with those deep coal eyes of his and gurgled cutely.

"Well, child...welcome to Hell!" the doctor sighed, while the baby gurgled again.

* * *

And to conclude the story; Channard did indeed get that promotion he so wished to get. Pistonhead and Dreamer were blessed, and cursed in Pistonhead's case, with some life changing news - the dreaming Cenobite was pregnant...at long last. Butterball put on hundreds of pounds in weight in just a month, Angelique stalked and obnoxiously flirted with Pinhead, much to Kirsty's anger and Pinhead's despair. Chatterer proposed to Nikoletta, baby Leo grew ever more cute...and mischievous. Pinhead, after reasserting himself within the Labyrinth and bringing order to the chaos, letting bully boys Frank and Trevor know who's boss, desperately wanted to pop the big question to Kirsty, but kept getting interrupted.

And back to Channard...well, he asked the Gash for the one thing he'd so very much wanted since he became a Cenobite so long ago.

"Xipe, everyone...may I please join you Gash?" he had asked with hope, and big puppy dog eyes.

"NO!" everyone, even Kirsty, shrieked before turning their backs on Channard.

Channard slumped his shoulders, and sighed. "After everything I've done for you!" He turned and stalked away.

Well, looks like the original four and Kirsty still can't forgive Channard after what he did so long ago, not matter what he did.

Talk about not letting go!

 ** _The End!_**

* * *

 _Right, that's all folks! Hope you all enjoyed this. Yep. If you had guessed it were **Hellraiser Revelations** that was the mystery movie cure, then you guessed it right! ;D I gotta tell you, I had to suffer through the entire movie, watching it thoroughly on Youtube so I could include the reactions of the Cenobites to the dialogue and scenes. It was a pain, but worth it I guess. It was a terrible movie, I must say. I certainly wouldn't recommend it to any one. :/_

 _Anyways, I really hope you all had fun reading. I had fun re-writing. ;)_

 _Coming up soon, probably next year - even though I've written some of it already - **The Spellbound Cenobites Part II.** :D Yep. Cassandra makes a very unwelcome return, but what kind of changes in character will Pinhead and co go through? You'll have to wait and see. All I will reveal is it's set four years from this story, and little Leo, no longer a baby, along with the offspring of Pistonhead and Dreamer, and of course along with Channard, are the heroes of the story, wanting desperately to find the cure for their parents/aunts and uncles. Look forward to it!_

 _In the meantime, thanks for reading, an don't forget to leave a comment. :)_


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